It's Monday. You're maybe still on the jitney, or you're just a little sunburned. Sleepy! Do you really wanna read Jane Mayer's piece on the C.I.A.'s secret torture prisons in the New Yorker? But maybe you feel like you should. Like, cuz supposedly there's a war on? Well, here, we'll make it easy for you!

Okay so this top guy in our government calls Angelina Jolie's friend Mariane Pearl. And they're all like, good news, we so totally caught this terrorist who says he's the evil dude who killed your husband. And she's all, umm, WTF, Condi Rice told me the same thing FOUR YEARS AGO. So she's all, prove it! And the guy's all, I'm the government, I don't have to prove shit to you.

So yeah, they did totally catch this guy back in 2003. And the terrorist guy is all like, yeah I did it, but also the C.I.A. totally abused me. Oh and also I DID ALL THE OTHER TERROR.

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But totally weird? Some other guy had already said he'd done it. And he was supposed to get killed by some foreign country but they never did. And then everyone else is all, oh, guess in D.C. they'll say just about anyone killed Danny Pearl because like, they're in trouble with the war and some scandals and stuff?

And then when some people go digging all the people who really know about this stuff are like "Haha, that's such a fake confession, whatevs."

Then there is a cartoon about a woolly mammoth.

So apparently the CIA was like keeping this confessing guy and a bunch of other people in "secret prisons" not in the U.S. for a while? But they stopped like nine months ago because basically it was illegal to torture people. So they moved them all to the U.S. or like Cuba and tortured people there. (They should have moved the prisoners to Puerto Rico—better beaches!) Anyway they tortured the hell out of this guy who likes to confess to stuff and he gave up a bunch of other bad terror guys.

See the whole good thing about secret prisons it turns out is that you can keep guys there but their lawyers can't find them so they can't tell them about the torture! And! It turns out the Red Cross knew all about this but wouldn't tell anyone cuz then they wouldn't be able to find out more.

So, remember that whole 9/11 thing? Well six days after that the President was all "go hunt terrorists down all over the world!" And the CIA was like, OMG, how? So they figured out how they did that in Vietnam and countries like Jordan and Saudi Arabia told us how they tortured people, which was wicked helpful.

Mostly it turns out that they don't like to let people sleep and they're TOTALLY obsessed with shoving things in people's butts. And apparently back during the big long war we had with Russia or whatever, we used to give people LSD. I wonder if that will happen to Chris O'Donnell on that TNT miniseries about spies. BTW he is so not that cute any more and I do not think he will have much of a career? Even though he was Boy Robin! And was so hot.

Also then there is a full page Roz Chast cartoon that made me scratch my head a little.

Then, and this is getting more complicated than Melrose Place, we find out that the confessing guy was like totally tortured in gross ways and we have prisons in Afghanistan, including one underground by the airport. Then there's a bunch of stuff that sounds like it's from some really sicko Berlin gay porn video. It's gross, you don't wanna know! There were a bunch of guys in these prisons who like tried to kill themselves by banging their heads into the wall over and over again which must be pretty tricky! And they totally kept this car salesman there on accident and they kept him for a long time. Haha OUR BAD.

Then they took confessing dude to another secret prison in Poland??? And they totally did that waterboarding thing, which is nowhere near as fun as it sounds like it should be. (It's so not what you did at the beach this weekend!) And the guy was all complainey about it, but the guards are totally like "He's just a total pussy, it's so not a big deal to be hung upside down with your head in water." Anyway after that he basically said he did EVERYTHING. And lots of people were like, well, that doesn't sound very reliable, does it? I mean basically he said he was going to kill Jodi Foster if she didn't start making better movies. At some point he'll be charged with something and it'll go to court and then there'll be some sort of evidence or something, but everyone says the judge is just going to laugh at them all and none of it will have mattered.

Anyway, in the end, Jane Mayer, no relation to John Mayer, as far as we know, is all OKAY bitches so I'll write all about it and FUCK ALL Y'ALL. Secret prisons and stuff: The end.