It's Raining (Men)

The date: August 7th
The time: 3:50 p.m.
The place: Eighth Avenue at 26th street
Sighted: "Just saw weather-queen SAM CHAMPION on Eighth Avenue, looking very "refreshed"—so much so that I wasn't sure it was him until I was up close. He was looking at the windows of The Blue porn store as he walked by."

It goes without saying that no one can predict the weather. And in the face of 60% chance of showers, possible scattered thunderstorms and partial cloudiness, America needs a weatherman who is consistent—consistently good looking, that is. Enter Sam Champion, who has, for nearly 20 years, fabricated the weather and looked damn good doing it.

As the predicament of the polar ice caps has become increasingly dire, the need for better-looking weathermen has grown exponentially. With the extinction of "mild and sunny" weekends, Al Roker soon realized he could no longer get away with pounding doughnuts, and therefore stepped up his game with gastric bypass. And with hopes dashed for the white Christmas he is always yapping about, Bill Evans (who is Jewish, naturally) kicked shit into high gear with a new set of hairplugs.

Indeed, though 2007 went on record as the year with the most "x-treme" weather, instead of demoting Sam, WABC instead promoted him from AccuWeather weatherboy to Good Morning America Meteorologist, despite the fact that he did absolutely nothing to stop Hurricane Katrina or the tsunami that nearly took the life of Petra Nemcova. WABC did not even dispatch Sam to the scene of those natural disasters, preferring to send uglier and more overweight correspondents, ones whose faces could be spared if nature should again attack.

Thus it comes as no surprise that this morning, while millions of commuters were squashed on broken trains and seconds away from punching the people next to them, Sam Champion prepared New Yorkers for the upcoming storm the best way he knew how—with a pre-storm trip to Dr. Zizmor, and a cruise through Chelsea with his blepharoplasty down. Streets may explode, bridges collapse and levees break, but America can take comfort in the fact that Sam's gorgeous face is staying put.

Previously: Geraldo Rivera Protects And Serves