Last night Padma Lakshmi, in her slow and also slightly mentally-slow way, informed the "Top Chef" contestants that they'd have the night off to enjoy Miami nightlife. Predictable but disproportionate rejoicing followed. First of all, Miami nightlife ranks somewhere between standing in a Jersey Turnpike tollbooth all day and waterboarding as things that are fun to do. Second of all, this is reality T.V.

The men's preparations were notably brief. They all put on striped shirts and the bald ones oiled their heads to a high shine. The ladies, on the other hand, spent hours crimping, picking out outfits and applying eyeliner. Boobs out, faces on, they were ready to party. Casey spoke longingly for the release she hoped to find on the dance floor. Sarah's decolletage was marvelous, probably scented. Hopes were high. But when they approached Nikki Beach, the "hottest club in Miami" [NB: So not true!], there was Padma, looking prettier then any of the ladies. And there was a block full of knives. She informed them they'd actually be cooking all night in cramped mobile kitchens instead of partying! Yay!

Casey, the cutest of the women left on the show, clearly was planning a way to stab Padma. We felt the same! Padma, like Gwyneth Paltrow, seems to be one of those beautiful women who like to torture other women. Already we've seen the cutest of the contestants offed and now Padma is just toying with the remaining ladies. It's just like when third wave feminists turned on second-wavers, accusing them of biological essentialist principles! Except hotter and meaner and dumber and chances are we won't have to take some dumb N.Y.U. class on Top Chef interpersonal dynamics.

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