The "Office of National Drug Control Policy" (©Halliburton) issued a press release yesterday that said workplace drug testing in the first six months of 2007 resulted in 16% fewer positive results for cocaine usage than last year. In the tri-state area, only 1 in 200 tested positive for coke, which we think means that only .5% of the population is too stupid to stop using cocaine two weeks before a urinalysis. Of course, these numbers are from the White House, so this "unprecedented reduction" could easily be a statistical anomaly. Or just a lie! Still, the worst case scenario: Y'all really are running out of coke. How's your weekend looking now?

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