Corey's Angel

So distraught was one of our readers after watching the heartbreaking, lightly scripted Two Coreys moment where Corey Feldman devastates Corey Haim with news that a straight-to-video sequel to Lost Boys would be going forward without him (hell, even the Lesser Frog Brother probably got a call) that our compassionate operative immediately took to Craigslist to try and find the wounded Haim some companionship to get him through this difficult time. And Craigslist, that online lamp inhabited by millions of anonymous genies ready to fulfill even the most outlandish of wishes, predictably yielded help:

My Lost Boy-Corey Haim - w4m - 25 My name is Sammi and I am a 25 year old girl who lives in LA. I think the song about the girl stuck in 1985 was written about me because I love all thing's 80's especially Corey Haim. Of course I loved Lucas, The Lost Boys and Liscense to Drive but after seeing him in the movie "Blown Away" my infatuation with him became full fledged. His is gorgeous and talented and judging by his performance in "Blown Away" I think he would be fantastic in bed.
As we all know, Corey started in this industry at a very young age and was unable to resist the temptations of drugs and alcohol which as an assistant to a personal publicist who has major clients, I completely understand that this industry is freakin TOUGH and temptation is everywhere. LA is definitely a complete hedonistic lifestyle. Still, even when Corey gained weight, was incoherent and auctioning his teeth on ebay i knew that he would get hot again and make a come back because he is really a great actor. Well now he has an addicting new reality show and...he's hot again.

I don't get star struck. I've hooked up with and dated celebrities, i work as assistant to one of LA's biggest personal publicists and I always go to LA's hottest clubs including Les Deux, Area, Opera, even parties at the Playboy Mansion (where I met Corey Feldman). Well two weeks ago I was told about a party for the new show "The Two Corey's" at Sugar. We got in but didn't want to pay the $20 cover because well, we never pay cover. So as we are walking out I see Corey standing outside smoking a cigarette. He was so beautiful, I wanted to say something, anything, but I was too scared. When I went back later...he was gone.

In the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" the drunk angel stripper talks about a similar situation with her and Scott Baio. I truly believe in Fate. In fact, I even have a tattoo of the word "Fate" on my lower stomach. But like the movie says "Fate can only take you so far because once you are there it is up to you to make it happen." Well, I didn't make it happen.

Now I'd like to be clear. I don't want to marry Corey Haim and I don't even have to date him. I would just like one night of hot animal sex with him.

Please help! If you or someone that you know can help me reach my goal of having sex with Corey Haim I would be eternally grateful. Thanks so much!

Whether or not "Sammi" is real (and we fear she may not be—everyone knows that Feldman was the breakout cocksman of Blown Away) isn't actually important; what will get Haim through this dark night of the soul is the mere possibility that there's someone out there who might finally muster the courage to approach him the next time he's enjoying a smoke break outside of Sugar, overcoming the butterflies fluttering beneath her Fate tattoo long enough to offer him that one, hot, perfect night of animal sex.