In case you haven't heard, Van Halen announced that the band would be reuniting (again, but for real this time! Probably!) for their first tour in 20 years. (Minus original member Michael Anthony, who is now quietly playing a circuit of rural Wisconsin bars in a Journey tribute band as part of the Discarded Bassist Relocation Program.)

Even though Eddie's out of rehab, David Lee Roth apparently spent his guitarist's extended detox time in a spinning class, and Eddie's teenage kid is filling in, the video package of the band's more athletic days of the mid-80s is overpromising what fans might see at their show; if Roth gets carried away and attempts even one of his patented scissor kicks, he's likely to grievously tear his fifty-plus-year-old groin, forcing the guys to unchain Sammy Hagar from a radiator backstage and do a set from 5150 and OU812.