"In the yard outside his dorm, Mr. Lohan, 47, explained how he viewed his current situation. 'It's like Corinthians 5:17, 'When the Lord Jesus Christ comes into your life, the old is passed and the new is upon you,' he said." That's right: Lindsay's dad has found the Lord! Today, Spencer Morgan chronicles Michael's path to pastorhood (did you know you can take correspondence courses to be some kind of authority figure within a "faith-based sobriety program" called Teen Challenge while in prison for, uh, drinking and stuff? Wacky!) by sitting in a parked car with him and listening to him softly croon his own tragic Lindsay-themed pop songs. He's also, we learn, currently shopping a biography called 'How It All Went Down.' We have to wonder: at any time during the investigation of this piece, was Spencer Morgan deeply concerned for the fate of his own immortal soul?
Ultimately, though, Michael comes across as a more sympathetic figure than we'd previously assumed him to be:
In 1990, when Lindsay was five years old, Mr. Lohan was investigated for insider trading and convicted of criminal contempt of court because, he said, he wouldn't testify about the trading of other brokers. He was sentenced to three years in Nassau County jail. In 1993 he was released on five years probation. He cherished the time with the kids, he says.
Aww! Gosh, maybe his biggest crime is being too good of a dad: "Mr. Lohan found himself behind bars again in 1997—he had violated his parole to visit Lindsay in Los Angeles after she had been hospitalized with asthma. The trip cost the concerned father another year away from his family."
Also: "He is convinced that his wife's friends and family conspired to split the couple apart, especially after he voiced concern that Lindsay affairs should be handled by professionals, not family." Hmm. Cheeseball? Yes. Drunk driver and petty criminal? Sure. But is he in remotely the same league as Dina, being-a-monster-wise? It kind of seems like his big mistake was just marrying that lady! He's pretty much sane and normal!
"At the beginning of the things, I suggested a reality show called Living With the Lohans: Over or Starting Over?" he said. "When Dina served me the divorce papers, I said instead of going trial, why don't we work this out in an amicable way—just show everyone we could end it the right way, and/or start over the right way. There would have been cameras on us the whole time. It would have guided us in the right way."
Okay, or not.