Hey, tubby, put down that donut for a sec, we've got some good news! You know why you're overweight? It's not because of your appalling fondness for Doritos dipped in Crisco and your shockingly sedentary lifestyle: You have a virus! A big bloated fat person virus that's responsible for the innumerable, cholesterol-laden rolls that jiggle about your ample midsection! At least that's what researchers say.
A common virus, implicated in previous studies as a possible cause of obesity, was found in lab tests to transform adult stem cells obtained from fat tissue into fat cells. A gene in the virus has now been found to be the likely culprit.
While scientists are quick to point out that the virus, which is also responsible for respiratory and ocular infections, is not the sole cause of lardassedness, don't let that worry your massive slab of face. The next time someone gets on you for the three seats you're taking up on the train, just look at them and say, through your Devil Dog-clogged mouth, "Fuck you, I'm sick."