Let's Play Editorial Shuffle!

Today on the New Republic website, retired blogger Elizabeth Spiers reviews the second issue of Portfolio. Spiers finds the title pretentious and lacking in substance. Her suggestion? Replace editor Joanne Lipman with former New Yorker head Tina Brown, who will bring both flash and purpose to the title. Surely Tina, who is currently sitting on her ass awaiting royalty checks from that Princess Diana book, would go for it. But what would happen to poor Joanne? We've come up with a plan that requires a little editorial shuffling throughout the media world, but ends up with everybody comfortably ensconced in positions for which they might be better suited!

Joanne Lipman: Imperious, not quite sure how to run a magazine. But! Knows how to tell rich people what they should buy. Move her over to New York, a magazine whose only relevant section is The Strategist, your go-to guide when you need to know where to find $500 antique doorknobs. She's a natural fit. This, of course, would cause the exit of...

Adam Moss: An editor with the unique talent of turning every magazine he helms into some iteration of the late 7 Days. Whatever its faults, that title was always lively and exciting, unlike Vanity Fair, which feels a little flat these days. Send Moss to VF, where he can clean up the chaotic front of the book and still indulge his passion for stories about rich people. Sadly, the magazine would no longer require the services of...

Graydon Carter: This may sound like a counterintuitive move, but think about it: The man can't shut up about politics. Give him a perch at the New Republic and he'll be able to both fulminate his little heart out about the evil Republicans and liven up the book's incredibly soporific design. Sure, the world isn't crying out for an Annie Leibovitz photogallery of Al From, but it's miles better than the crappy illustrations the book currently offers. Unfortunately, this would result in plenty of spare time for...

Marty Peretz: Freed at last from his historic burden of being the lone voice in the media that keeps America's support of Israel strong, Peretz can bring his stilted prose and love of obscure words to Maxim, which would be a public service to the magazine's audience of mongoloids, who will be forced to use their other hand to open a dictionary. It'll be a series of monthly teachable moments! The one man who won't be around to learn anything, though, is...

Jimmy Jellinek: Let the Maxim editor take Greg Gutfeld's slot on Red Eye. Seriously, a monkey could do that job; Jimmy's at least two or three stages of evolution better than that. But what of The Gut?

Well! You know the one thing Tina Brown's Diana book was missing? A real man's appreciation of what a fox the late princess was. Greg's not afraid to be politically incorrect: We need his sharp insights concerning the tautness of Diana's thighs and the pendulousness of her cans. This book will sell like crazy! And then Greg can sit on his ass collecting royalty checks and waiting out Tina Brown's tenure at Portfolio. Everyone wins. Especially us!

Distressed Asset [TNR]