Guess what? Scientists at Oregon State University have "figured out how to give an entire community a drug test using just a teaspoon of wastewater from a city's sewer plant." The researchers looked at ten unnamed American cities to see who snorts and smokes what. The findings?
One of the early results of the new study showed big differences in methamphetamine use city to city. One urban area with a gambling industry had meth levels more than five times higher than other cities.
You hear that, New Yorkers? Las Vegas is kicking our asses when it comes to dancing with Tina. This is unacceptable. You need to get your hands on some crank, ASAP, and spend the rest of the week smoking that shit. What are we, Salt Lake City? You sicken us.
Update: A reader from Sin City correctly notes: "You commented on how Las Vegas is kicking your ass on meth use. That might be, but the study didn't test our wastewater — they limited it to areas with a population of 600,000 — Las Vegas is much larger. I'm guessing y'all might wanna catch a tour bus to Atlantic City." Or Reno. Or whatever city Mohegan Sun is in, if it is in fact a city. Anyway, the point remains: you people should be doing more meth!
[Update update: Ed. Note: Actually? Las Vegas 2006 city population: 552,539. (Their metro area: 1,777,539.) So yeah, it counts. What, do you think I don't fact-check our drugged-out ramblings?]