The East Village's Crow Bar

Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

"Hello?"

"All the world is waiting for yoooooooou, and the power you possessssss."

"Okay. That's definitely a song from The Past. But I can't place it."

"In your satin tights, fighting for your rights, and the old red, white, and bluuuuuuuuuuuue!"

"Okay, I give. Why are you singing the Wonder Woman theme song?"

"Gobblegash! You know that song? It's just been stuck in my head from watching Candace Cayne and Girlina kiki it at Crow Bar!"

"CroBar? Over in Chelsea?"

"Oh god. I can't imagine Crow Bar ever moving to Chelsea. That would be insane. All those muscle queens in their semi-sheer stretchy-shirts? No, Crow Bar is on Tenth Street, across the street from Tompkins Square Park."

"Oh! My friend Fiona loves taking her son to Tompkins. She says it has the best playgrounds in the East Village."

"Hammerhole, sometimes I think we're talking about a totally different city. But Crow Bar is a bit of a playground for me. It's my favorite type of place. Simple bar. Black box with minimal lights. Shrieky sound system. Tonight I went there with Paul and Tia. We got there early, like around 11:30?"

"Eleven-thirty?"

"Well, it is a Wednesday night. Anyway, Girlina arrived just after that. And Candace too. Then they put on a great set."

"As much as you go out—how can you afford it?"

"At Crow Bar? Well, we didn't pay cover because they don't even bother to check the list for us. We're probably not even on it anyway. Then there were drink tickets, which we didn't need because Marco was bartending. It's sort of like they're paying us because they know we'll be having a good time and spreading a happy vibe."

"But is that a good business plan?"

"You know what, sugarshaft? It. Takes. Seven kinds of fruit to make Hawaiian Punch. Seven kinds of fruit in a Hawaiian Punch. Seven kinds of fruit. Dooty dooty doot. For that one of a kind fruit taste."

"What the ...?"

"Your questions. Buh-oring! But Candace and Girlina were lip synching that with seven femmy boys they dragged on stage from the audience. It was hilarious."

"But isn't that a little mean-spirited?"

"It's a compliment that they even got them on stage. Then they dragged this kind of over-sized Dominican guy up and guess what they sang?"

"I can't even begin ..."

"Honeycomb's big...yeah yeah yeah! It's not small...no no no! Honeycomb's got...a big big bite! Big big taste in a big big bite!"

"That's so mean! This went on all night?"

"No, it was 20 minutes at most. Then they ended with my favorite. Twirling and kicking and giving face and spinning and lassoing ..."

"Wonder Woman."

"Now the world is ready for yoooooooooou, and the wonders you can dooooooo."

"Got it."

"Make a hawk a dove. Stop a war with love. Make a liar tell the truuuuuuth."

"Okay, okay. But it was just 20 minutes? Seems like a short night."

"We were just getting started! After the show they dropped the lights down to almost nothing and we danced our asses off. Tia left with some 'straight' Panamanian guy who's in the Navy around two. And then Paul disappeared in the dark room in the back."

"Dark room?"

"Yeah, in the back, there's no lights at all and everyone is just sort of unzipped and feeling around. I checked it out, just in the interest of science, of course, and this guy had his hand on my erection and was all, 'Look, I'm way too coked up to hook up, but I had to give that thing a feel.' Which sort of annoyed me as he offered not one bump, so I went back out on the dance floor, still a bit in flagrante and shit under my striped Moschinos."

"And you went home alone?"

"Oh, never. There was this Puerto Rican guy who was raised in Germany and spoke perfect French. He's a model or something and was totally into me. He had a boyfriend and mine was out of town, so down to Ludlow Street we went! He left right before I called you."

"But it's eight in the morning!"

"Exactly. Which means The Past has to get to work! Later, nibblenips!"

The East Village's Crow BarS

Earlier: Past, Over