We knew something was up when on Friday, Mark, a glassy and far-away look in his eyes, pushed himself from his desk, quietly exited Defamer HQ, walked several blocks to a high-traffic intersection, then burst out into song as cars whizzed by him. (What song is not important, but if you guessed the shattering power-ballad "This Is The Moment" from Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical, you weren't wrong.) It was only once he started shedding himself of his clothes—this "infernal, eco-unfriendly human packaging!" as he referred to them—and chased a tabby cat through a neighboring yard that we began to suspect that what Mark needed, after three mostly uninterrupted years on the Defamer beat, was a vacation. And while we were concerned we wouldn't find something suitably relaxing at the last minute, as luck would have it, a Rosie O'Donnell Lesbian Family Fun Cruise was departing this morning for an Alaskan whale-watching expedition. Just what the doctor ordered!
In the meantime, you'll have myself at your disposal, updating you to the best of my abilities on the latest depressing developments on the movie star suicide-attempt beat. But wait! Before you decide that this would make a great week to have your hard drive defragmented, we also have for your productivity-reducing enjoyment none other than Go Fug Yourself's Heather Cocks, who filled in for me earlier this month, and who regularly thrills millions by plunging a figurative stitching awl into the seams of Hollywood's most sartorially challenged.
So please help me send off Mark in style, and warmly welcome Heather back. And remember: Labor Day is only a week away. Let's make the most of what's left of the summer.
P.S. Kindly redirect any tips you might have typically sent directly to Mark to firstname.lastname@example.org or to the regular tips inbox. Thanks!