Why are 1 in 5 Americans unable to locate our country on a map? No idea, but we can tell you why 5 in 5 inhabitants of South Carolina are fervently trying to develop a vaccine for verbal dysentery. We're not sure who suffers most here: Miss Teen South Carolina USA herself, whose terrified, empty Ralph-Wiggum-in-drag ramblings end up as a treatise on "The Iraq, and such as"; the attending "U.S. Americans," the force of whose feverishly choked-back guffaws generated enough pent-up energy to power a small third-world country for a year; or Mario Lopez, for being unable to escape being paid to get saved by the bell. (Indeed, we would have suggested Miss Teen S.C.U.S.A. was just nervously hopped up on caffeine pills, but thanks to Elizabeth Berkeley, we know the signs.) Still, the clear winner in this fiasco is our education system, which can now easily refute claims of its inadequacy by sputtering, "Some... people out there in our nation... don't... have brains." Jenga!