Even though he's forsworn spawning again, Alternadad Neal Pollack is still milking all he can from his already existing offspring, Elijah. Baby's daddy has been blogging on Epicurious, Gourmet's site, about the curious and presumably whimsical culinary adventures of parenting, these include chronicling the very weird (and generically precocious) tastes of his 4-year-old.
"Daddy, I'm hungry," Elijah said.
"OK," I said.
"That means I want something to eat."
"I know what it means."
"I might be starving."
"I doubt that."
Then I realized that we had some leftover pizza in the fridge. We'd made it the night before, and it had proved quite delicious. My son was about to get a real gustatory thrill.
"Elijah," I said, "How would you like cold pizza for the first time?"
"No thank you," he said. "I want a hot dog."
"Seriously, though, dude," I added. "Cold pizza is possibly the greatest food in the world."
I'm pretty sure "Seriously, though, dude...cold pizza is possibly the greatest food in the world" renders Pollack unqualified to parent at all. Calling a toddler dude, especially within the context of forcing cold pizza down his gullet, rivals only calling someone dude while naked and covering yourself in baby oil in impropriety of usage. If you're curious as to how this story resolves itself, Neal offers Elijah anchovies. Almost as riveting as that time when Elijah really wanted capers!