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We suspected strange things were afoot at the Circle K when Larry Birkhead awkwardly shuffled down the Teen Choice Awards red carpet. Somehow, we doubted girls of age 13-17 gleefully taped up posters of Anna Nicole's sperminator next to shots of Zac Efron's hair. Turns out our Spidey Sense was right—Birkhead had been nominated alongside such crackpot luminaries as Lindsay, Britney, and Sanjaya for a category that was abruptly scrapped when certain crazy bitches put on panties just so they could get them in a wad:

"There was originally going to be a 'Newsmakers of the Year' award," said our insider. "Paris was nominated for her 23-day stint in jail, Lindsay for her latest DUI bust and Britney for the infamous head-shaving incident. But none of them would dare to show up . . . all the publicists [for the celebutards] went crazy on Fox, and they just scrapped the category."

Birkhead, who brought his 16-year-old nephew to the awards, told Page Six, "I found out about the cancellation two days before the show, but producers told me I could still come if I wanted to. Mine was a positive story, that I got custody of my daughter, which was not the case with some others. All these people wanted their picture taken with me, it was a really fun time."

So let's review: Larry knew he wasn't part of the festivities, but he went to the trouble of grabbing a legitimizing, age-appropriate relative so he could still sit in a crowd full of seat-fillers and watch perky Disney Channel-types hand surfboards to each other. Maybe he merely wanted to daydream about the perfect storm of scandal and pathos his category might have created if Britney, Paris, and Lindsay had senses of humor and/or weren't in rehab. But we think he just hoped he'd still somehow walk away with his own cool fiberglass monument to the love of weepy adolescents, perfect for smacking Howard K. Stern over the head with as a symbol of his decisive victory in the court of public opinion. And, of course, his nephew probably just figured he'd get some That's So Raven background-player ass. Oh well. Can't win 'em all.

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