Ashton Kutcher's Guide To Never Upstaging Your Cougar Lady

Now that wife Demi Moore has pried the trucker hat from betwixt his twitching fingers and buried it in the backyard, Ashton Kutcher evidently feels uniquely qualified to help us bid adieu to the concept of the preening, pomade-encrusted metrosexual — so 2004 — and usher in a new era in the storied history of male grooming. In an essay the actor penned for Harper's Bazaar, Kutcher helpfully suggests that women should treat their dates like the pretty, empty husks of man-candy that they are:

His advice for women: "You never want people to notice your accessories. ... In this same way, your man should not upstage you. He is there to highlight you."
"Your best bet is to match the man gear to that great new Balenciaga bag that you're planning to carry. If your bag works with your outfit, so will he." [...]

"Guys don't like to be told they look nice, pretty or cute or that they clean up well [...] So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana," he writes. "Feel free to be even more vague than that: `Wow, that suit makes you look like that hot football player!'"

Obviously, the Cougar has beaten her prey into admirable submission, although this sensitive grasp of complex sexual politics should be no surprise coming from the dude who created such tender gems as Punk'd and Beauty and the Geek. Still, Kutcher's advice to go vague is not entirely without merit: An off-hand compliment expressing how much one's boy-toy looks like "that sexy Broadway Joe Namath" could only serve to widen an existing generation gap, as the confused youngster wonders out loud how resembling an embalmed wannabe tongue bandit with artificial knees could ever be interpreted as a good thing.