Network Unveils Depressingly Hulk-Free 'Dancing With The Stars' Lineup

For all TMZ's gloating about thoroughly chapping ABC's hide by printing a leaked list of Dancing With The Stars contestants, it seems the network merely made the site its pawn in its cunning game of lies: That roster was fake, and the actual cast was revealed today. Notably absent is the one person — Lou Ferrigno, bodybuilder, cranky green giant, and heroic L.A. Country reserve deputy sheriff — whose rumored participation might have enticed us to watch for, oh, at least ten minutes. And anyone hoping for a showdown between 90210 vixens will be likewise crushed:

And [the contestants] are: · Melanie "Mel B" Brown, 32, Spice Girls ("Scary Spice") singer (pro partner: Maksim Chmerkovskiy); · Sabrina Bryan, 22, actress/singer (The Cheetah Girls) (pro partner: Mark Ballas); · Helio Castroneves, 32, racecar driver (pro partner: Julianne Hough); · Mark Cuban, 48, businessman (owner of NBA's Dallas Mavericks) (pro partner: Kym Johnson); · Jennie Garth, 35, actress (Beverly Hills, 90210) (pro partner: Derek Hough, older brother of Julianne Hough); · Josie Maran, 29, supermodel (pro partner Alec Mazo);
· Cameron Mathison, 38, actor (All My Children) (pro partner: Edyta Sliwinska; · Floyd Mayweather, Jr., 30, boxer (pro partner: Karina Smirnoff); · Wayne Newton, 65, singer (pro partner: Cheryl Burke); · Marie Osmond, 47, singer/doll designer (pro partner: Jonathan Roberts); · Albert Reed, 22, supermodel (pro partner: Anna Trebunskaya); and · Jane Seymour, 56, actress (pro partner: Tony Dovolani).

Our comedown has been swift and painful. While we're pleased to see Wayne Newton getting a chance to prove on live television that he is still a living, flesh-and-blood man and not a crudely made papier-mâché impersonator, we question the logic behind leaking fake names that are actually better and more interesting than the real ones. We don't even know who this Albert Reed character is—unless this is another clever piece of misdirection, and mid-routine a loincloth-clad Ferrigno will violently burst forth from the his chest to reclaim his partner, and perform a stirring tango over the fictional "supermodel's" bloody remains .