This is a column by one of the authors of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, who is still, unbelievably, still at Yaddo, which he has taken to calling "Yads."
Kiera! What do you want to drink?
OK, one Diet "Rejuvenate" VitaWater coming up!
Excuse me are you in line? Or are you just - Oh!
Hey! How hilarious to run into you at the airport! Happy Labor Day weekend, you! Where are you going to? Oooh Montauk. Wow. I remember my Montauk days.
Me? Oh nothing. No time for vacations for me! Well perhaps life is a vacation, you know? And I just don't need to get away from it? Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't unless you are Buddhist and are good good friends with Pema Chodron.
Anywho, I just got back from the Venice Film festival. With my freind Kiera, over there. Hi Kiera!
Oh. She probably thinks you are from US Weekly. You sort of look like you are. No! You just sort of give off the energy of someone who works in the magazine or reality show industries. The highlights and jacket from Zara.
Me? I am here for just a New York Minute to promote our next big summer hit, Balls of Fury, which comes off our winter hit Blades of Glory. Yes, I have a production company now.
I didn't tell you? I guess so much has happened since I saw you last. Well it all started when I was "outed" as the key uncredited writer for Knocked Up and Superbad. Judd is such a genius, but he is a good friend and sometimes calls me when he is creatively blocked and I help him come up with transitions, tweak dialogue, finding the right actress who wears a C cup.
Yes, yes, I know, thank you. And sorry I haven't called you. I am obviously so busy. My cell is like a vibrator. A vibrator of money! Hah! It's all so surreal, it's so surreal.
Cashing in? Yeah, it's common that liberal grad-school types would think that. I gave up that way of thinking a while ago when I realized culture was happening around me and didn't care at all.
And I don't consider my projects to be money makers, really. That is a side benefit. I think it's just really important to give a voice to the awkwardly large-sized heterosexual male. They are an often misunderstood segment of society. The marginalized ones, their hearts and minds squandered on the forgotten edges of our world. And I just think it's important to give their lives a voice—to show the world that yes, a chubbier guy with bad hygiene and a constantly sweaty neck CAN have sex with skinny blond women and Asians! It's bridging cultures.
This fall we are coming out with three sure-to-be Box Office bonanzas. Goggles of Greatness, in which a plus-sized loser wins the Ironman triathlon and the heart of actress Bai Ling. Flip Flops of Flame, in which a 450-pound antisocial overeater is airlifted out of his home, placed on a large raft, and wins the National Surfing Championship. And Wads of Wonder, which follows a slobbering unwashed genetically altered pig-man who chews his way to fame, fortune, and in between the legs of Jessica Biel. It's Shampoo for the John Goodman Generation!
Oop! My car is here. See you in September.