From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman examines the sad story of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, tapper of toes.

[A men's bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. A white spotlight passes from right to left across the stage, illuminating each stall. In each case, the door opens briefly to show the occupant.]

FIRST MAN
Why am I here?
Isn't it clear?
I had gas
It was severe

SECOND MAN
It's not an interesting story
I won't use the lavatory
On the airplane. It's disgusting.
This is, too, but I'm adjusting.

THIRD MAN
I like to read
OK! magazine
This way I can do it
Without being seen.

FOURTH MAN
Close the door, please
Privacy's the rule
When you are dropping off
Kids at the pool

[The fifth man, who is bathed in blue light, is SERGEANT DAVE KARSNIA of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Police Department.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Oh, well, I have much to say
But I cannot say it
I am a policeman
I have a badge but can't display it

I'm here to respond to claims
Of public sex in these facilities
It's not a plum assignment, true
But these are my responsibilities

[A man enters the restroom and stares into SGT DAVE KARSNIA's stall to see if it is occupied. He enters the adjoining stall. After a few minutes, he taps his foot.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
That's how the old song goes
Tap your foot three times if you want bathroom sex
That's the code that everybody knows

I'll bide my time
I'll just stay put
I'll wait for him
To slide his foot

[The man stops tapping his foot and slides it closer to SGT DAVE KARSNIA's foot until the two shoes come into contact. The man's hand appears under the stall divider.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
And there's the hand
It's not exactly a surprise
The public-restroom crowd
Likes to advertise

[SGT DAVE KARSNIA arrests the man. It is Senator LARRY CRAIG (R-ID).]

LARRY CRAIG
I was sitting in this bathroom stall
In Minneapolis-St. Paul
Maybe my hand brushed against the wall
It wasn't like I said hello

I was sitting in a private place
A contented look upon my face
Now you've dragged me into disgrace
I'm a Senator, you know

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
You sent me a signal, sir
Don't say that did not occur

LARRY CRAIG
This scenario that you're relating—
What are you insinuating?
It was just my left foot tapping
I'd suggest that you're entrapping

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Senator, your foot brushed mine
That had to happen by design

LARRY CRAIG
When sitting on the throne
My wide stance is well-known
I take up the whole stall
Please don't tell Roll Call

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
The hand that has your wedding band
Appeared to make a crass demand

LARRY CRAIG
I was minding my own business
Reaching for a piece of paper
Your incompetence reduces this
To a Keystone Cops-like caper

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Embarrassing, embarrassing
In nearly every other sting
The men I've caught accept their disesteem
Why is your defensive posture so very extreme?

You might think it's Senatorial
But if I were to be editorial
Or even prosecutorial
I'd say to do whatever you can
To buck up and take it like a man

This incident will bring you
The wrong kind of renown
I can see the headlines:
"Red-Faced Senator Goes Down."

[The other stall doors fling open. The other men sing in unison.]

OTHER MEN
Your refusal to be honest rankles
We all have our pants around our ankles
But we just came here to use the toilet
It's a place of peace. Don't spoil it!

[LARRY CRAIG pleads guilty. Amazingly, SGT DAVE KARSNIA and his department do not leak the story for more than two months. When it breaks, LARRY CRAIG first denies the charges. Prominent Republicans speak out against him.]

MITT ROMNEY
It fills me with disgust
To think that I extended trust
To a moral reprobate
His decisions desecrate
The America I love
If we ever meet again
I will wear a rubber glove

[Journalists, including MIKE ROGERS of blogactive.com, reveal that they have heard about LARRY CRAIG's rendezvous for years.]

JOURNALISTS
One man came out
And talked about
A secret assignation
He enjoyed with the Senator
In a stall at Union Station
Another sent some emails
They included many details
With physical description
I laughed at the transcription
Of the tape of the arrest
At Craig's defensive posture
And his feeble protest.
I had what I needed
And so I proceeded.

[Conservative commentators, including SEAN HANNITY, walk a delicate tightrope, condemning LARRY CRAIG while still trying to link the story to Democratic hypocrisy.]

SEAN HANNITY
If he led a double life
And if he then misled his wife
He should resign from government
He isn't fit to represent
The citizens of Idaho
If he lied, then he should go.
And yet, and yet
Let's not forget
Jim McGreevy, Marion Barry
Hart and Condit, Barney, Gerry,
Sandy Berger, Rostenkowski
Hillary Clinton and how she
Engineered her shady business
If this isn't a witch hunt, then what is this?

[LARRY CRAIG is at home. The entire scandal has given him terrible stomachaches. He is on the toilet.]

LARRY CRAIG
I sit here in my solitude
All my friends have gone away
My political career is screwed
My family is in disarray
My colleagues won't forget this
And then there is the capper:
No more Minneapolis
My whole existence, down the crapper.

[LARRY CRAIG stands. He is washing his hands when the seat of his toilet goes up, imperceptibly at first and then clearly. The TOILET begins to sing.]

TOILET
Larry, Larry
Don't be so contrary
You were trying to have your fun
Now do what needs to be done

Stand up and take your medicine
Or resign as a result of this affair
I tried to tell you that before
But my voice was muffled by your derriere.

[LARRY CRAIG follows the advice of his TOILET and announces that he will resign, though his spokespeople continue to insist that the issue remains open pending the Senate's ethics investigation. The next morning, LARRY CRAIG looks in his bathroom mirror and begins to speak to himself.]

LARRY CRAIG
My own decisions caused it
I was too long in the closet
There shouldn't be such shame attached
Every man, if cruelly scratched
Will show a hidden aspect
Behind his public being
The man that I am seeing
Is not the man in whole
Hypocrisy is common among men who are driven
I leave it to my voters.
This is the speech I should have given.

[LARRY CRAIG goes out into the hallway. He hears a faint voice coming from the bathroom.]

TOILET
Larry, Larry
I misjudged you at first blush
You're braver than I thought
Now please come back and flush

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Bonds! The Musical'

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