Tears Of A Butterscotch Clown

The time: 3 p.m.
The date: September 3rd
The place: American Museum of Natural History, 175 Central Park West
Sighted: "Spotted Kate Hudson, Dax Shepard and a shirtless Ryder outside of the Museum of Natural History. Kate was a wearing a cami, loose jeans, a hat and sunglasses. She seemed surprisingly normal as she got into the car to leave and fixed her makeup."

In the wake of the tragic events of 8/26, America demands answers. Answers to vague questions, including "How could this happen?" And: "Where did things go wrong?" And: "If eHarmony is matching me only with unattractive people, does that mean I'm ugly or are there just generally ugly people in the database?"

While it may be tempting to blame Shanghai Knights as the beginning of his downward spiral, Owen Wilson's recent suicide attempt raises more questions than it does answers. Luckily, Us, Life & Style, and a host of other reputable media outlets who have dutifully heeded Owen's wish that the media respect his privacy at this difficult time have proffered a number of completely baseless but accurate theories about the circumstances leading up to Owen's attempt. Below, we have rated the persuasiveness of the theories on a scale of Four Pills (likely) to Whole Bottle (100% extremely likely).

1. "History of Depression" Theory. Owen allegedly has a "history of depression" and seven years ago spent time at the Hazeldon clinic to treat this history, which was apparently somewhat unsuccessfully because Owen recently tried to kill himself. Give me a break - everyone is depressed. Also, Hazeldon is a drug and alcohol rehab facility. Nice try, The Insider. Rating: Four Pills.

2. Breakup with Kate Hudson Theory. The theory goes that Owen was so devastated over seeing paparazzi photos of Kate with new boyfriend Dax Shepard that he immediately needed to die. Accordingly, "despondent" Kate had little choice but to french Dax in a supermarket the next day and then spend a grief-stricken Labor Day visiting planetariums and romping near Central Park. While seeing an ex with another person may reasonably induce some people to spend entire weekends watching Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love" YouTube video on repeat, eating Lindt chocolate and sobbing uncontrollably in a closet, it seems unlikely that Owen decided to randomly kill himself a month after photos of Kate and Dax first surfaced. Rating: Five Pills.

3. Ugliest Wilson Brother Theory. While some have argued that in recent months Owen had become increasingly agitated by having a penis for a nose and not being as good looking as his brother Luke, evidence of a less attractive Wilson brother provides incontrovertible proof that brother Andrew is in fact worse looking. Rating: Four Pills.

4. Genital Wart Theory. Wilson has been leading a double life as Big Brother winner and head douchebag restaurateur Mike "Boogie" Malin. Indeed, tired of being everyone's butterscotch clown, and humiliated by recent and somewhat ill-conceived appearance on "Dr. 90210" for the removal of a genital wart, Owen decided to end it all, wisely preferring death to Valtrex or condoms. Rating: Whole Bottle.

Fortunately for fans of terrible Ben Stiller movies, the latest reports claim that Owen is doing better and "making people laugh" - a telltale sign of attempted suicide recovery, and a first for Owen. Looks like there is nothing to be concerned about as Owen is back to hiding his secret pain, doing drugs, and monitoring his genital wart. America can finally return to normalcy.

Previously: Bill Clinton Samples The Sweets