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Oh neat oh neat oh HOLY CRAP! Wait, really? I didn't expect that. The iPod touch looks pretty sweet, but won't I just feel stupid when I have to pull out my other phone? I'm all "whee, I'm surfing the Internet in a cafe on my iPod," or I'm all listening to music, and then ring, there's my phone, just like always, only this time I also have a big-ass minicomputer in my pocket. And there's no camera. Actually this looks like a raw deal. Okay, how about the iPhone? What's new there? Hrm. Not much, I guess.

I mean, there'll be a new one next year so I might as well still wait. Man, at least I'm not one of those dudes who paid six hundred bucks for it this summer. Gotta suck to be them right now. Especially when they get their 130-page phone bill. Okay, how about the iPod classic?

Looks kinda ... pudgy.

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Dang, it's just a slightly neater version of the last one, except ... yeah, it looks like it has baby fat. Man, why you even got to do a thing? They could have made it all svelte like the "Touch," like it came from the spy supply store, but the damn thing looks like a Sta-Puft. Forget it, maybe I'll just get a little thing.

Ooh, the Nano is kind of nifty. It's neat that there's all that screen on that little player. It's pretty much as convenient as a Shuffle; I just need to get a case with a clip, but it's finally small enough for my shirt pocket.

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Wait, I wear t-shirts.

Okay so it's silver, blue, red, and — oh god, it looks like a big Tic-Tac. In fact they all look pretty dopey. Man, I miss the real old glass Nanos. The new expensive iPods look like that. It's like they stole the cool look for the pricier phones. Jon Ives, that is cold. Screw it, no Nano.

And the Shuffle is ... in new colors. Blech. Great, that's everything. I'm free of the need to buy. I can find satisfaction in things other than conspicuous consumption. I am not my fucking mp3 player.

Ooh look, Sony's selling new PSPs in a week! Man, which one should I buy?

Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He's buying the full package, in silver.