The Hills' Heidi Montag is on the cover of the October issue of CosmoGirl, and the accompanying article (a Q&A with both Heidi and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt) is, we suppose, meant to set the record straight regarding Heidi and Spencer's relationship and their enmity towards Heidi's ex-BFF Lauren Conrad. But we came away from it feeling even more like Spencer has fully completed his takeover of Heidi's brain. Spencer is "smart, funny, sweet, genuine, and a great businessman. He's my dream guy!" Heidi gushes. "I could start crying right now when I think of being without Spencer." Crazy! Then they start trashing Lauren Conrad, and that's when things start getting really good.
Spencer: Lauren is the show's Goody Two-shoes. Heidi is portrayed as the wild, goofy friend who is going through all these experiences that they can't have Lauren go through because she is the sweet, innocent character. But sometimes she's the craziest one of us all.
Okay, fair enough—there certainly have been moments when Lauren seems rather tipsy (and what exactly did happen when she went back to Brody Jenner's apartment last week?). But then there's also Heidi's response:
It's like I was the good girl on the show until I fell in love with Spencer, and then I became the bad girl. But they don't show the footage of how Lauren was sort of obsessed with Spencer, or how she called my mom in Colorado and told her I was involved in an abusive relationship, or how she would scream at me in the middle of the club if I wanted to leave at 2 a.m. to go see Spencer. I spent a lot of time with her during her breakup with Jason. I was there for her every day and night when she cried, and I have been there for her through some horrible things you never saw on-camera. No matter how much time I spent with her, it was never enough. Lauren always wants to have a friend around... The minute I started not hanging out with her as much because I wanted to spend more time with Spencer, she got really upset. It hurt me that she could turn off our friendship so quickly just because she wasn't happy with my boyfriend. I made so many attempts to make Lauren happy, but you don't see that on the show.
And then Spencer:
All I know is that once Lauren was out of our relationship, it became flawless. It was like I had this girlfriend who had this friend whose goal it was to break us up. Lauren's not dumb, and she knows how to get what she wants. She's got a really strong team of people around her; she knows how to work it.
Seriously? All this talk of a "perfect," "flawless" relationship is kind of creepy. Lauren—who does seem like she has some abandonment issues, but who doesn't—was probably right to call Heidi's mom! Heidi and Spencer may not be in a physically abusive relationship, but there's definitely some psychological abuse going on. Talking about how perfect your relationship is and how the person you're with is basically a gift from God makes things a little tricky when there are problems, doesn't it? But we'll let Spencer have the last word: "Heidi and I both know that without Lauren there wouldn't have been The Hills, and believe me, we are grateful for that, and for being on a hit show." Ugh. Gross.