In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be hipsters: and there were hipsters. And God saw the hipsters, that they were stupidly posing in photos for websites like Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, and Misshapes, and God said, Let there be someone to mock the hipsters: and there was Alex Blagg. And God looked down upon what He had made, and God said, Ladies and gentleman, it's Blue States Lose!
So it seems that our hiptardographer friends are too busy running around all the corporate-sponsored parties and events celebrating fashion and heroin abuse to bother updating their websites with the appropriate amount of documented retardation required to cull together my weekly "worst of the worst" list, so today I've put together 10 of my favorite "outtakes", hipster photos I suffered and captioned, but somehow didn't end up making the list for their particular week. Next Friday I'll be back with a big recap of all the fun and fabulousness of Fashion Week.
10.Ambrel. Ed Banger photo #7070: Designer patchwork wacky jeans and failed attempt at irony through hideous motocross t-shirt? Check. Fingernails painted black? Check. Hilariously lame facial expression confirming that your inexplicable ensemble is, in fact, the disastrous result of your reading one of those pick-up artist handbooks? Fucking CHECK, you beautiful peacock of a man.
9.Misshapes. August 11th, 2007 photo #0123: Nothing gets this guy more jazzed about molesting his church Youth Group teens on Sunday morning than spending Saturday night telling the Misshape kids the good news about Christ.
8. Last Night's Party. The Beautiful Fall photo #801: Between the cigarettes, the bag of Utz chips, the green tea Vitamin Water, the chocolate bar, and the unmistakable aura of upper-middle class entitlement, girlfriend's gonna be alright, no matter how much she looks like a homeless runaway right now.
7. The Cobrasnake. Doctor Appointment photo #8563: They should publish this as a "How Many Cliches Can You Spot In This Picture?" game in Highlights Magazine.
6. Misshapes. April 14th, 2007 photo #0185: Heeeeeyyy, who put the silly sauce on Princess Coldstare's sadness salad?
5. The Cobrasnake. Rock Stars Rage photo #8438: I love that this is how these suckbuckets communicate with one another: "Calling Douche Tracy! Calling Douche Tracy! There's a club full of drunk 19 year-old hipster bimbos hoping to offer themselves to a worthless chain restaurant heir capable of standing behind a laptop and playing pop songs. You're missin' it! Hahahahahaha".
4. Last Night's Party. Miami House photo #9070: When did the hipster photomonkeys start venturing out to random trailer park meth labs in Florida and snapping shots of whatever trash happens to be lying around?
3. Misshapes. August 11th, 2007 photo #1099: People are always saying you should "turn that frown upside down", but she actually did it, and now every time she lifts her "Don't Worry, Be Happy" beach towel-turned-skirt up in the Don Hills bathroom so some dude with a website can take more snapshots of her rack, she'll just look at it and think, "Yay, smiiiiiley..."
2. Misshapes. March 31st, 2007 photo #008: As far as Fascist 80's Rapper Glitter Clowns go, I'd say this guy pulls off the look with an uncommon amount of subtlety and restraint.
1. Last Night's Party. Poutine photo #5544: I can't think of anything scarier than a post-op rainbow rave tranny so full of E that she's actually turning into the Incredibly Ridiculous Hulk.
Previously: A Parade Of Retardation