Hey there Ms. Smalls,
I know you're on your cruise now but I need some advice. You know how Rhianna is a good girl gone bad according to her omnipresent "Umbrella" song? Well I'm a bad girl trying to go good. I had MANY youthful indiscretions. Crazy, over the top, Penthouse Forum indiscretions. Seriously I look back and cringe. But I'm a little older, a little wiser and I'm trying to reform myself and actually date instead of letting my hormones lead me. Which brings me to my question, what the hell do I talk to these guys about? How do I get them on the hook? I have a couple male friends and I can sort of talk to them but when I'm around guys I like I do not know what to do. I am incapable of coy or subtle and unless it's trivial pursuit I'm not one for games. Gimme some real and tell me what I need to do.
Dear All Wet,
It seems to me that you still have a few ho-tendacies that you need to work out; even though you say that you have gotten over all those "youthful indiscretions." Like the name "All Wet"—what is that about?
Maybe the actual problem is you. Think about it. It sounds like you can't get over your freaky thoughts long enough to focus on other things that relate to the opposite sex.
From my experience with men, I found out that they like to talk about only two things and that is SEX & SPORTS. I think you know enough about bumping and grinding so you can bypass that subject but girl, you need to learn the sport of his choice. [Ed Note: this is terrible advice!] For an example, I once liked a guy who loved basketball. I grew up watching the game with my father but I really didn't know what was going on. So, what did I do? Girl, I learned the sport and got the guy.
You see, anything that you focus on long enough you will get. And since you are single you will have to brush yourself up on the 3 major sports, basketball, football, and baseball (because men like all different kind of sports). I bet if you learn sports, you will get the guy. [Ed: Gah! Nooo!]
But just incase your guy is a prude, talk to him about stocks, politics, and/or the War in Iraq. Just have something more to say than "Come baby, come baby, baby, baby, come, come-You gotta give me loving, you gotta give me some." That's from a song just incase you didn't know that. You said that you are trying to make a change in your life for the better, but don't talk about it, be about it! And remember that you must be patient because change doesn't happen overnight.
The one thing that you did say that was on the money was that you plan on dating instead of letting your hormones get the best of you. That is definitely what's up. Date, listen to people, and then as you get to know them, the conversation will develop.
Allowing your hormones to take over you will only leave you duped in the end and like I always say, never dupe yourself! So overall, learn something about sports, read the Sunday NY Times so you can learn something else about the world besides the sex advice section in Cosmopolitan Magazine, and love yourself more so that you won't succumb to your sexual weaknesses especially if you're not getting anything out of it in the end. And if none of this seems to work for you, just continue to get laid.