Girl, I Do So Know What You Did This Summer

As summer overdoses and dies, so do our excursions to Fire Island. And so this is our season finale, as it were, of Rod Townsend's adventures among the gays, recording the conversations of their native environment. See ya, gays!

EXT. THE HARBOR OF FIRE ISLAND PINES
The Sunday afternoon crowd stands in a line stretching far back onto the Fire Island Boulevard boardwalk. Assorted gays stand in the line with a variety of shapes and styles of luggage waiting for their ferry home. Three Asian-American men in their late twenties stand in the queue. BAGGAGEGAY stands with a red Victorinox wheeled duffel, two Trader Joe's shopping bags and a Victorinox Vertical Deluxe Travel Companion slung around his neck over the opposite shoulder. With him are BOREDGAY, wearing an over-sized white tee and light blue Adidas basketball shorts, and EXCITEDGAY, wearing a tight white tank and G-Unit "Soul Stars" plaid shorts.

EXCITEDGAY One more picture! Me and you, honey! Here, take this. (Hands a black MotoQ phone to BOREDGAY and stands with BAGGAGEGAY.)

BOREDGAY
Take off your purse.

BAGGAGEGAY
(Shooting a perturbed look at BOREDGAY.) It's not a ...

BOREDGAY
Just take it off. It's making your tits look uneven.


BAGGAGEGAY removes the Travel Companion.
EXCITEDGAY
Cheeses! (Turns to BAGGAGEGAY.) Are you sure you have to go? The weather's so nice now, and yesterday was so bad. There's still a couple hours of good sun left. And we got those really nice salmon steaks from Citarella. Dinner?

BAGGAGEGAY
Then I'll have drinks at dinner. And then we'll go to Tea. Somehow I'll be calling the office to say I'm running late on Monday. I can't do it this week. We've got market coming up and everybody is running around like crazy already. Trust me, I'm tempted.

EXCITEDGAY
And you're not coming out in September?

BAGGAGEGAY
That's my busiest month, sweetie. I've had my fun, and I'm done.

EXCITEDGAY
Just come out in September at least once. It's more mellow and less party-party, I promise. You paid for it!

BAGGAGEGAY
I really can't. Really, really can't.


BLONDEGAY passes the three, carrying bags from The Pines Pantry, stops and approaches EXCITEDGAY.
BLONDEGAY
Tell me you three are not leaving.

EXCITEDGAY
No. Just Johnny.

BLONDEGAY
Oh, well, okay then. (To BAGGAGEGAY.) Have to go, huh? Well ... bye! (To EXCITEDGAY.) And I'll see you later! (He scampers off.)

EXCITEDGAY
Such a queen. (Nods.) Love. And we should go, too. (To BOREDGAY.) We should get mixers and chips while we're in town.

BOREDGAY
I didn't bring my wallet.

EXCITEDGAY
I have my card. (To BAGGAGEGAY.) You okay here? We should really go.

BAGGAGEGAY
Yeah, go, I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.


EXCITEDGAY gives and extended hug to BAGGAGEGAY.
EXCITEDGAY
And we're going to look at houses for next year tomorrow. Maybe we'll find something. I'll send you pictures if we do. I can't believe summer's already over. What happened, right?

BAGGAGEGAY
I'm not even sure about next summer, but send the pictures. I should have it all figured out soon.


EXCITEDGAY gives a second hug to BAGGAGEGAY.
EXCITEDGAY
Okay then. Call me when you get home!

BOREDGAY
Later.


As EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY walk away, BAGGAGEGAY pulls an iPhone from his Travel Companion and begins reading e-mail and text messages. EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY sashay past a round bench in the middle of the harbor.

Seated on the bench is RHYMESWITHHOMO, wearing floral-print Paul Smith sandals, gray Penguin mid-calf shorts, a navy American Apparel "summer tee", Oliver Peoples "Voltaire" sunglasses and a patterned navy Triple 5 Soul painter's cap. He writes in an Ampad Reporter's Notebook with a Pilot Fine-Liner pen. Putting down the pen, he tips down the sunglasses to reveal riveting steel blue eyes that stare directly into the AUDIENCE. After an uncomfortable pause, he speaks.

RHYMESWITHHOMO
She done.