Why I won't digg your lame story

I would do plenty of things for you. I'd drive you to the airport. I'd be the gunner while you drive the Warthog on Halo. I'd pretend you really can play the guitar. But I won't vote for your lame story on Digg.

It's gonna get buried immediately.

The headline is "Pictures of towers [PIC]" and the article has three pictures of towers. One of them is clearly just a Lego tower with some perspective tricks. Digg has replaced the "Ok, this is lame" option with "This is worse than temporary death" just for your article. Your story will get buried, and the undertaker will whack it with the shovel just to be sure.

It's the seventh story you sent me this week.

You asked me to digg "My brother falls in the shower" and I did. It got buried. You asked me to digg "RUMOR: Apple to add GPS to iPhone" just because you had a hunch, and I did. It got buried. So did the other four. Give up, man.

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You clearly just want to get traffic on your blog.

But why? It's a freaking Blogspot with the default template. You have one Google ad box on it. If your story hit the front page and got 5000 diggs, you'd make about a dollar. Then you'd lose it because, duh, clickfraud. How about I just give you a dollar and then take it away in a week?

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Actually, I don't know you that well.

Was I on your Gmail contacts list? Yes, yes I was, because look at the two hundred other addresses you sent to, including no-reply@yahoo.com. Really thought that one out, didn't you. LEARN TO BCC.

Oh wait, the headline isn't "Pictures of towers [PIC]".

It's "Pcitures of towers [PIC]" and in the fleeting second before your article is banished to some satanic world for bad entries, to reside frozen in Steve Ballmer's mouth in the ninth circle of the Diggferno, in that brief moment, briefer than the glint of light enjoyed a sparrow flying through a barn at midnight and passing under an LED — in THAT MOMENT someone will find the time to mock your inability to type. They will say "Gud spleling ahssole."

Photo of Nick Douglas by Scott Beale. Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He's listening to cross-genre covers of "Umbrella."