Crisis! "New Yorkers looking for a bouncy, blond, blue-eyed baby are in a panic as the city's largest sperm bank - and the only one with imported goods - is running dry." Seems that Cryos international is almost out of good Nordic spunk because of an FDA ban on European babyjuice intended to prevent the spread of the human version of mad cow disease. "Two years after the measure," the Post goes on to say, "Cryos has run out of offerings from such prized blond Norsemen as 'Oluf,' 'Dagh,' 'Finn,' 'Ingi,' 'Jorn' and 'Ante.' If matters aren't resolved soon, say goodbye to 'Jarls,' 'Sven,' 'Gorm' and 'Leif,' as well." But it gets worse!
New Yorkers looking to keep any taint of swarthy ethnicity out of the family gene pool are being forced to resort to the seed of "locksmiths, bartenders and struggling writers from less exotic locales, such as Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, Rego Park, Queens, and Hackensack, N.J." Can you imagine? Tradesman splooge! When the Dillingers and Gingerlys of twenty years from now all wind up working for janitorial services we're going to look back at this moment and ask ourselves why we didn't do more. We're going to make an almost unthinkable suggestion for these spunk-deprived parents: Settle on Jew babies. Sure, you'll get the giant noses and the insecurities, but at least they'll go to college.