Point: Lauren Conrad Is Satan's Dolly Print Scarf

We're of at least two minds about "The Hills" star Lauren Conrad's new fashion line. Poorly-made cynical cashing-in by a brand-person-entity? Or the realization of a delicate young girl's lifelong dream? Herewith, the con. The pro follows.

You may think that Lauren Conrad is just an innocent young girl. Yes, well, Margaret Thatcher was a young girl once too—until she sold her soul one day after maths in that alley behind Kesteven and Grantham Girls' School. Similarly, Lauren Conrad also has no soul and she will happily send troops to level the Falkland Islands of our emotional and intellectual lives.

No one made Lauren Conrad sign that evil MTV contract, which keeps all her "work product" a wholly-owned mini-subsidiary of Viacom. Now that she's a brand, she only has MTV to thank. So now she's a "designer"? No. She's like the white Kimora Lee Simmons without the fashion flair or the vocabulary!

Plus her personal brand extensions are totally gross. Lauren Conrad is like all over it yo with her brand new fashions! She's proactive and in your face and on your celly-on-the-go-go! Mobile vertical integration platforming! Yes when they saw her odd unflattering sweatshop dresses and her little smile, every marketer in the world just gave way down there. It's true what the verbose publicity email we got last night said: "shoplaurenconrad.com shoplaurenconrad.com shoplaurenconrad.com shoplaurenconrad.com shoplaurenconrad.com shoplaurenconrad.com."

Lauren Conrad is the Godzilla to all our Mothra. On her horns are ten diadems! No place is safe from her now!