The time: 8 p.m.
The date: September 15th
The place: 106 West Houston Street
Sighted: "Spotted everyone's favorite cowboy Jake Gyllenhaal this weekend on Houston near Arturo's. It goes without saying that he was perfectly scruffy-sexy, although he and another guy in his coterie appeared to be wearing blue terry cloth sweatbands. It did not however detract from his hotness."
Long long ago, in a city far far away, Jake Gyllenhaal attended Columbia University, alma mater of embittered, antisocial people who don't fit in anywhere else but have been working on their problems in therapy twice a week and feel they've made some improvements. Having only been in City Slickers at the time, Jake was by far the lamest celebrity to attend Columbia, as his fame was eclipsed by TGIF luminaries Rider Strong and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's daughter.
It did not help that Jake also had terrible acne at the time and wore the same ratty white Hanes t-shirt every single day. Nor was it helpful that Jake would use familiar Buddhist analogies in his Contemporary Civilizations class and attempt to pass them off as his own, eliciting the mockery of his fellow students.
Understandably confusing the campaign to "Save Pluto" with the public's interest in seeing a movie about astronaut coalminers, Jake's turn in October Sky did little to bolster his college image. As with most celebrities who are revealed to be frauds who got into school based on their celebritydom, Jake dropped out of college for the greener pastures of Hollywood. "Let him go," some of his classmates snickered, jealously counting their dining dollars. "Only a fool would trade a medieval studies degree for a shot at fame, riches and everlasting glory. Besides, he'll never get rid of those cheek zits."
Yet fate was to deal his classmates a cruel blow in the form of new clothes, a wildly successful movie career, daily cycling trips with Lance Armstrong and laser resurfacing. Every sighting of Jake sent into Gawker Stalker rants and raves about how "hot" or "sizzling" he is while doing the most mundane of things. But who could have known that they would develop topical ointments to deal with acne and carbuncles? Who could have known that he would become so famous that even his more talented sister who looks like a Garbage Pail Kid would become famous?
While good looks, a legitimate film career and celebrity ex-girlfriends such as Reese Witherspoon are nice to have, a medieval studies degree is worth more because when times get tough Jake won't have anything to fall (broke)back on. So readers, continue to send in your sightings of Jake looking repulsively sexy—you can all have him. Mystery, call me. I'm not kidding.