Total Freak: "Eric Schaeffer Is A Perfectly Normal And Acceptable Date"

Publicist Kelly Kreth had long fantasized about boning the author of I Can't Believe I'm Still Single, noted emosogynist perv Eric Schaeffer. So it's really no surprise that, when she finally managed to cram herself into his busy dating schedule, she found him charming. Another thing you should know about Kelly is that her idea of third-date banter is "If you gag and vomit I will force you to lick it up."

Yes, it seems that Kelly and Eric actually had a lot in common!

His particular fascination with excretions spoke to me. Being a woman who is no stranger to poop stories, having published a few of my own on Poopreport.com, I imagined Eric and I someday falling love, showing each other our bowel movements—the most intimate of acts in my estimation. I got butterflies just thinking about it.
So why on earth are these two crazy (really! CRAZY!) kids not settling down in some Jersey bungalow with a basement full of sex toys and scat porn right about now?
While we went out a few more times after that, he was busy and then left on his nationwide book tour for nearly a month and while out of town began filming his documentary. I was busy, too, working, and still into someone else I had dated whom I just couldn't quite forget...Eric and my relationship morphed into more of a friendship and professional one. We settled into infrequent communications referencing less piss and more prose. I know the details may seem murky, but modern relationships seem to be more and more that way these days—watercolors that bleed into each other with no distinct end.
Watercolors! Gah. God, think of what terrible writers Kelly and Eric's children would have been! Anyway, Kelly closes by reminding us that, considering what else is out there for the single ladies of NYC, Eric Schaeffer is a relative catch.
I have gone out with a man who brought his pit bull on a date and proceeded to drink a beer he stole from the Korean deli on the street. I dated a man who told me I had a pole so far up my ass that it was coming out of my throat. I dated a man who tried to pick up a 15-year-old and proudly told me he had fucked his Trinidadian, herpes-ridden bisexual secretary over the copy machine.
Actually, Kelly, we would rather date any of those dudes than Eric Schaeffer. Fuck, we'd rather date the pit bull.