Each year (or really, every 11 months and two weeks or so, kinda), the Jews observe Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, during which leather shoes and doing it are totally forbidden. Then there are many apologies. Let it begin with us! Josh is up first because he's the Jewiest.
Tonight is Kol Nidre; tomorrow, the Jews of the world apologize to anyone who will listen about all their conniving heeb behavior during the previous lunar year. On Saturday, city and state machers (and anyone who shelled out $150 for the honor of dovening next to Gov. Spitzer) can be found self-flagellating at Temple Emanu-El. Observant lesbians will be found beating their hoary bosoms at the prestigious Park Slope Jewish Center. Hipster Jews in pink tights will like pray or whatever at The Shul of New York, the Mr. Black of synagogues. So in the spirit of atonement and definitely wanting to end up in the Book of Life , here's a list of individuals to whom I'd like to apologize.
- Publicist LOLgay Kristian Laliberte: You may be a vapid husk of a man, but you are helping out the UN so at least you're a vapid husk of a mensch too. Credit where credit is due. We wish you luck in your ongoing battle against Micah Jesse and the limitations of your soul.
- Moby: When we saw you last night at Tropical, that crazy woods-themed bar in Chinatown, you seemed like a nice enough guy, buying Red Bull for your friends and drinks too. Maybe you aren't a semicolon but an inverted exclamation point, after all.
- Fred Kibbler III: You were the wasted journalist at the Ivy Cup but apparently you weren't wasted, so you told that to our lawyer. Our bad. You are totally not an alcoholic.
- NY Post real estate guy Braden Kiel: Sorry for never, not once, spelling your name correctly. Oh shit. I did it again. Sorry!
- Brenda: When we stayed with you in the Hamptons you were nothing but kind and a little bit crazy. You even took us to one of the superlative parties of our lives. Did you deserve to be mocked for your cameltoe and quirkiness? Probably. But also, probably not.
- Rachel Sklar: Sorry for focusing on your rack to the exclusion of everything else you've accomplished in your life. That said, it is your most valuable asset.
- Julia Allison: Ditto but sub lack of all dignity for rack.