Dear Devorah Rose, Dear Tricia Romano, Dear Internet

Each year (or really, every 11 months and two weeks or so, kinda), the Jews observe Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, during which leather shoes and doing it are totally forbidden. Then there are many apologies. Let it begin with us! While Emily is biologically only half a Jew, the theme of her Bat Mitzvah was "New York, New York," and her Mom did convert eventually.

Being asked to apologize brings out the Human Nature-era Madonna in me. You know, "I'm naaaaaaaaat saaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeee, it's human nature/ I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me/I'm not apologizing!"

Dear Devorah Rose, Dear Tricia Romano, Dear Internet

However, I guess we are all doing this Blogger's Selichot thing today, and I might as well take my sins down to the water's edge and cast them away while I've got the opportunity. So here goes.

  • Dear Social Life EIC Devorah Rose: I'm sorry I started the rumor that you were a stripper. I'm also sorry that I ended the rumor that you were a stripper! I know you didn't really want me to disabuse people of that illusion, but the truth is pretty important to me.
  • Dear Village Voice writer Tricia Romano: Regarding your Ultragrrrl article a while back, I quoted something you told me in an email. I should have asked your permission or reminded you that you were on the record. This was a dick thing of me to do; I was just learning the ropes at the time (still learning!) and I realized at the time that I had hung you out to dry but I had too much pride to apologize. Then one night Balk dragged me over to apologize to you at a party! That was a dick thing of him to do, but I'm glad he did it. Even though he is a massive, massive dick.

    No, I will never apologize for saying that Balk is a dick.

  • Dear Julia Allison, I'm sorry I called you a "pundit-floozy" a while back. Now that I know you better, I understand that you're not a floozy at all. You're serially monogamous with a series of jerks, just like me!
  • Dear Sarah Silverman: I am sorry you have to do it with Jimmy Kimmel. I'm also sorry that you're way smarter and funnier than he is. You're kind of letting the whole female race down with this shit, dude. I guess that was more of a "Jewpology" than an apology. Oops! Hey, it's cute when I'm funny in a bitchy quasi-Antisemitic way, right?
  • Dear Internet: I'm sorry I overshared with you about my personal feelings. Looking back, I wish I hadn't abused you with my ranting about how I believed in love (don't worry, I no longer do!) or posted pictures of myself in a bathing suit, thereby establishing a dangerous precedent that can only end badly with some kind of Choire-Balk wrestling singlet shot. Wow, if that comes to pass, we will ALL be sorry.