Does Anyone Speak Hipsterese?

Friday's bout of server intransigence brought about several tragedies, but the biggest loss was Alex Blagg's weekly critique of the silly hipster photos pockmarking the face of The Cobrasnake and Last Night's Party. But fear not, kids, we seem to be up and running this morning. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very special Monday edition of Blue States Lose!

10.The Cobrasnake. No Joke Aoki photo #4217: I love that Sideshow Mel here actually has a BACK-UP pair of wacky ironic glasses, in case the pair he's wearing should get lost or damaged during his intense conversations about all the things he clearly has in common with the 3rd-place runner-up in the Orange County Tara Reid Look-alike contest, and her leopard-printed sidekick Generic LA Club Slut.

9.The Cobrasnake. Mr. Right photo #3823: Why can't someone make a video of THIS Intergalactic Superdouche getting violently tasered for a good hour or so outside of some shitty Hollywood hipster club? Come on TMZ, do something noble for once in your lives.

8. Last Night's Party. Rated X Chicago photo #5226: It's not so much about this picture (NSFW) specifically, but whenever I come across all these "Ultragrrrls Gone Wild" shots, I always wonder how the Last Night's Party genius says "Show us your tits!!!" to all these chicks in Hipsterese. Anyone have a translation handy?

7. The Cobrasnake. Diplo Dallas photo #4042: I don't know what the hell's going on here, or why this beer-bellied carnival freak is on the Cobrasnake, but I just felt like you needed to see this.

6. Last Night's Party. 25 Hours photo #3764: I'm not sure why someone would bloody the nose of Napoleon Dynamite's red-headed bi-sexual stepbrother, but it probably involved jealousy of his supreme fabulousness.

5. Last Night's Party. Strap Match photo #4175: I wish there was a second part to this sign, with a big picture of some passed out sparkly face-painted hipster clown in neon spandex, with something ironic written in giant letters on his pink Mousercise tanktop, and under this picture the sign just says, "Looking Like A Ridiculous Attention-Starved Asshole Is Mandatory Attire".

4. Last Night's Party. 25 Hours photo #3812: I don't know what it is exactly, but for some reason this dude's face looks pretty messed up to me. Though it's probably nothing that couldn't be fixed by injecting a lethal amount of collagen into his lips.

3. Last Night's Party. Rated X Chicago photo #5189: After piling on the wacky blonde afro wigs and fake flower garland elf crowns and mesh togas made out of curtains and Ancient Greek theater make-up and little stick-on face decals, how does this living piece of artwork know when her masterpieces are complete?

2. Last Night's Party. 25 Hours photo #3808: Tran Phuk Man is representing Thailand in the Miss Scariest Thing In The Universe pageant.

1. Last Night's Party. Strap Match photo #4384: Seeing as how he's clearly The King of Everything That's Ever Existed, I think Elvis Goldenfuzz here deserves a royal bathroom of his own, where no one can bother his highness while he's shitting out glittery golden nuggets of sheer fucking amazingness.

Previously: The Ghost of MisShapes Future