A Very Brady Sapphic Awakening

Some months ago, titillating news of a Brady Bunch porn led us to indulge our wildest combined-'70s-sitcom-family fantasies, as we shamefully revealed for you the most outrageous Brady-on-Brady coupling our filthy minds could conjure: Jan taking out years of frustration on her more popular sister with one sweaty, unhinged hate-fuck. Were we only to know just how close to the truth we were:

[Maureen] McCormick's tell-all, Here's the Story, won't hit bookstores until 2008, but publishers are already buzzing about the big reveal. [...]

A source tells The National Enquirer, "The most explosive comments will be how the then blonde, blue-eyed cutie developed a crush on Eve Plumb, which led to some sexual play.

"This book will certainly come as a shocker. While Maureen is not a lesbian, she reveals there were some sexual hijinks going on behind the scenes.

This news came as a complete shock, and we have since been replaying Brady moments over in our heads, wondering if the truth had been staring us in the face all along. One thing is for certain: Jan's cries of, "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" now take on ominous new implications. We can only hope the disturbing Brady revelations end here, and Peter isn't compelled to share deeply repressed memories involving his father, the garage, and a basketball pump that would lead him many years later into the reassuring arms of a slightly deranged reality TV model-search winner.