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Each week, our commenters blab and blab and blab. We used to reward them arbitrarily with a night in our Gold Star Motel. But that was just to get them to shut up. Who will listen to them? Who will care? Not us! But we know who cares: Crazed uber-commenter LolCait cares!

Hello comrades! For this edition of the Gold Star Motel perestroika I've taken a cue from Branson, MO non-native son Yakov Smirnoff and "hilariously" flipped words around!

In Soviet Gawker...

  • ...Dancers Need Back-Up From You:
    From MALEGIRDLE in Someone Is Trying To Kill Kevin Federline! Please Tell Him!
    "don't people who want to murder other people have better people to murder?"
  • ... Your Children Fuck-Up You:
    From GINGIRL in Condom Ads About Contraception? Not In America.
    "My best friend from high school loved the rhythm method. Her kids are really cute."
  • ... Foxy Brown is Abused by You
    From ATIPOFTHEHAT in Foxy Brown's Latest Victim Brilliantly Articulates Our Feelings About Celebrity
    "When Joanne Woodward first heard about The Hudsucker Proxy, she thought her husband was having an affair."
    [Yes it's still going on. And always will. Like Lenin's corpse.]
  • ...Little Girls Creep-Out You
    From GONZOSMOM in Hot Young Girl On Girl Action
    "I'm waiting for one of the young girls to misunderstand and start sending in their actual body parts."
  • ...Rich Assholes Avoid You
    From GRANDMOFFBASTARD in Harvard Reuniongoer Seeks Ho Who Suits A "Classy Setting"
    "Reminds me of a story Chauncey told the other week when the fellows and I were all out on the boat. It's the big Labor Day to-do over at the Wheelwrights', right? They do it every year. We couldn't make it this time on account of parents' day at Sequoia's nursery. Anyway, Tod Hardcastle shows up — no, not Tod; sorry, his cousin, Tad — Tad shows up with his new girlfriend. Now, he's been bragging about her to everyone, so they're all dying to meet her. So, they get there, and it turns out she's Asian. I know. No, I don't know — Japanese, I think. Maybe Taiwanese. No, certainly not Korean, but still. Her name was Amy, I think. Right? Oh — and she went to MIT. They met online, of course.
    I know. Chet nearly fell overboard, he was laughing so hard. Everyone was very polite, of course, but Chauncey said that Tad's father did not look pleased."
  • That's it. Soup, bread, and Yogen-Fruz are now available in three efficient lines! So go and get it, sons and daughters. Dasvidanya!