How To Get Head In Advertising

94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a big fat lie. Advertising copywriter Copyranter brings you instances of advertising lies and the lying liars who sell them.

Hear that giant sucking sound all around New York City? It's Advertising Week 2007—an annual event during which industry blowhards perform acts of love upon themselves so expertly and enthusiastically that it would wow Ron Jeremy. Last night, festivities got under way with Panic! At The Disco at the Nokia Theater. And it goes downhill from there!

At noon today, Panasonic sponsors Saving Darfur—how advertising has helped "educate, motivate and mobilize the international community." Hmm. I would say... job not very well done! But, Mira Sorvino, Goodwill Ambassador for Amnesty International, will be there. So, take notice, Janjaweed.

Nobody makes up buzzwords like otherwise useless marketing boobs. Last year, it was Brand Sirens and Focalysts. Tomorrow morning at 8am in the Time Life building, it will be "Passionistas"— the new empowered consumers. That's you-all! It lasts four hours. Craig(slist) Newmark will be there, trying to stay awake.

In the evening, 36 "leading luminaries" (My guess? Between 0 and 2 women) huff and bluff their way through a Texas Hold'em tournament at the Friar's Club. Ad honchos are probably generally pretty good card players, since they often lie right to clients' faces when asked, "Are you sure this campaign will increase sales?" All winnings go to charity. I'm kidding.

At 11am on Thursday, New York Times ad columnist Stuart Elliott—who I've been reading for about 20 years, in which time he's never written one column that I would deem to call "creative"—moderates a CEO Summit on "creative breakthroughs." If you can force yourself to leave that crackling discussion an hour early, you can catch AOL Presents "How to remain a leader in the interactive marketplace today." Yep. AOL.

But really, this week is about one thing: Oral.

Previously: Condom Ads About Contraception? Not In America.