Author and blogger Tionna Tee Smalls is here to solve your problems with life and love. Foreal! Send her your questions and start getting your mind right. This week, we've got questions from three different women who find themselves at a three different relationship crossroads.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and I love him very, very much. Unfortunately, I've accidentally fallen in love with a friend of mine at the same time. I swear to God I didn't mean to. Since realizing my mistake, I've been tempted to throw caution to the wind and break up with my BF to date this friend. I've thought about it a million times, because he makes me laugh and turns me the fuck ON like no one else I've met. I've nixed this idea a million times, too, because I've seen how my friend can be really obnoxious, often self-absorbed, unable to communicate feelings, and really bad to women he's dating (cheating, manipulation, you name it).
I've decided over and over again that this guy is relationship poison but I can't stop toying with the idea! It's making me feel like a moron. Tell me how to get my mind right!
Your letter made me smile—haha! "I've accidentally fallen in love with a friend of mine." I have a question for you: how do you accidentally fall in love with someone? Anyway, so you have fallen in love with a good friend, now you want to break up with your man for this great friend, you have thought a lot about this, but your friend is kind of a jerk to other women he had in the past, so you are a little hesitant.
Well, I think you are smart to be a little wary of this guy's intentions. If he was a manipulator to these other women, what makes you think he's not manipulating your ass right now? You see, you have to look at every detail of a person before you give up your happy home. He may treat you well as a friend, that doesn't mean he will treat you well once he has you as his mate.
I also believe that if manipulation is in a man's heart, he will try that on any woman no matter how good she is to him, so please beware of that... I must say, OCD, you are luckier than most girls. You know the guy that you are about to be with so you already know that your heart may get crushed. Other girls just get their heart crushed with no warning.
I just think: his resume isn't looking that good, so why give him the job? Because, when he hurts you, he is going to say that you knew how he got down before you got with him. You feel me?
Another thing is, you have been with your man for over three years. You didn't say that you want to leave him because he is a prick or because he is cheating on you. It seems to me that you are leaving him due to your greediness. Don't do it girl, because if you dump your man for this guy and you end up getting played by homeboy, you are going to feel like a real LOSER. [Ed. Note: Or! Break up with your boyfriend anyway, because if you have such strong feelings for someone else it might be a sign your relationship is over, no?!]
I am in love for the first time with the guy that I am currently dating. It has been 6 months, and we haven't said I love you yet. I want to say it— and half of my friends say to wait, the others say to say it. I don't want to scare him off. What do you think I should do?
Questioning in Queens
Dear Questioning in Queens,
The answer to this is quite obvious; you love the man, go and tell him you love him. I commend you for waiting six months to tell him how you really feel. Most people jump and tell someone they love them in like a month so kudos to you. I really don't think you will scare him off, just be real and don't sound too corny when you are saying it to him. Just go for it but don't be offended if he doesn't say it back but most likely he will say it back. One should never play games when they are in love; games could ruin your relationship. Ask yourself, how would he know if you love him if you don't tell him? You get it? Just do it and keep in touch and let me know what he said back in return.
HAD A QUESTION!!
IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN LOVE (SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE) AND YOUR FUTURE/CAREER...WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE....HAVE FIND MYSELF AT A CROSSROAD AND KINDA STUCK.
GET BACK ..ABBY
This is a great question. I always ask women this at my luncheons: which one would they take in life, love or success? Most of the women write that they will take love over success but bump that. I say take the great opportunity. I agree with Eminem when he says that you only got one shot, do not miss your chance to blow because opportunity only comes once in a lifetime.
Please, men will always be around. When you are rich, when you're poor, or even when you are in between. A man that truly loves you will let you follow your dreams and still be there for you. I know it seems like you will never feel this way again but believe me that is bullcrap. You will be in love again if he decides to bounce or whatever he may be putting in your ear.
I'm not saying that it's cool to be lonely or whatever, but your future is what counts. Thats what you were put in this world to do—to be the best you that you could possibly be. I want you to go after your dreams and if he's not down with the program then he gots to go. I think that you are a smart girl and I know that in the end you will go after those dreams.
Remember Abby, reach for the moon; even if you miss you're still amongst those stars.