Charlie Sheen Points To His Popular Semen As Proof Of His Competent Child Rearing Skills

Highest paid pom-pom-fetishist in television Charlie Sheen appeared in family court yesterday, defending himself against ex-wife Denise Richards, who sought to have overnight visits with their toddler-aged children revoked. As evidence, she once again warned the judge that they could be irreversibly scarred after stumbling onto his now well-known stash of bookmarked pep squad internet porn pages:

[Sheen] fought back yesterday after Richards, mother of his two toddler daughters - Sam, 3, and Lola, 2 - asked a judge to prevent the kids from staying at his house anymore, and not to let him have his own nanny. [...]
Sheen said yesterday, "During the 18 months before my request to select my own child-care provider, not a single complaint was made or received regarding the welfare of the children while under the care of myself and/or Brooke.

"Brooke and I remain committed to the task at hand. These unlawful and diabolical accusations will not distract us from the focus of our resolve. Shortly before unleashing her attack, Ms. Richards asked for another baby via a sperm donation, after her divisive attempts at a reconciliation behind Brooke's back failed. She was flat-out rejected.

Sadly, our silent Jewish New Year prayers that this most bitter of Hollywood breakups would find a peaceful and workable resolution have not been answered. As for the vanquisher of this latest battle, if Sheen can prove his outrageous assertions that Richards rang the new couple's doorbell to sweetly request a cup of her ex's manbatter, we doubt any judge would grant the increasingly batshit-seeming Richards her nanny-banning requests.