George Clooney's Fear of Commitment Clearly Caused His Motorcycle Accident

The date: September 21, 2007, 11am
The place: Broadway and Spring
Sighted: George Clooney on a motorcycle with that blonde he's been dating. He was stopped at a light and when he noticed I was staring at him he gave that coy little smirk he's famous for, then sped away. Though he's probably 40 years my senior, my knees still went a little weak.

No man is perfect. Even the sexiest, most cleverest, and charm-oozing among us put on their perfectly tailored pants one leg at a time and have their bad days. The thing is; you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life. Truer words have rarely been spoken, and though they may have gotten the girls through their chubby periods and helped Natalie deal with the ramifications of losing her virginity to Snake, they must have offered little comfort to George Clooney as he sat in a Jersey hospital with a nasty case of the road rash.

So, how in God's name does such a pedestrian accident happen to Gawker Stalker's patron saint?

First off, in a post-8/26 world we can never take for granted that a celebrity wasn't trying to self-harm. If we have learned nothing from the events of that day we know this—sometimes being handsome, rich, famous and able to sleep with anyone you want at the drop of a hat is just not enough. However, the fact that Clooney was with guest and in New Jersey both render this theory unlikely. The Hollywood suicide doesn't try to take others out with them—they don't want to share the headline—and they would never choose to do it in Weehawken, New Jersey (too low-rent).

This brings us to the second, more probable theory—that hot chick he was with totally sabotaged him. Honestly, what do we really know about this Sarah Larson person? She was a contestant on "Fear Factor," so she's obviously not afraid of a stunt. She was working as a cocktail waitress in Vegas when she landed one of the biggest movie stars in the world, so she must be at least fairly cunning underneath all that hotness. And, since she's got a brain in her head and is a woman, you know that before their first date was over she was picturing their life together: hosting dinner parties at the Lake Como Villa, her big, toothy face on the cover of People next to the headline "How She Finally Tamed Him!" in 36-point font.

Maybe this Sarah also knows the universal truth that nothing moves a man with as much efficiency as guilt. She gets him stoned, convinces him to take a ride to the unfamiliar side of the Hudson and grabs his junk just as Tony Jersey goes to make a right. Next thing you know, her foot's broken, Clooney's saying "I love you," and she finally gets to walk the goddamn red carpet like a real girlfriend he's not ashamed of. Right, Sarah?

This all becomes strikingly clear when you take into account the above sighting; mere hours before the accident Clooney was out for a spin on the same bike—better side of the river—with a blonde. Now, it's possible, since this tipster is apparently only six years old, that she was mistaken and the girl on the bike was indeed the brunette Sarah, but, even taking that into account Sarah had to know her days were numbered and she took action like the "Fear Factor" champ that she is.

Poor George, if only there was some way to warn him. He really needs to learn how to work the internet.


Previously: Jake Gyllenhaal's Misty Acne-Covered Memories