Elijah Pollack Is Going To Be A Horror

When is it okay to hate a 4-year-old? Maybe when the kid's name is Elijah Pollack. Elijah is the son of Alternadad Neal Pollack, the author and oh-so-hip dad who has been remanded to blogging his existence away on Epicurious. This week, they visit a cheese store and, well, Elijah is the worst. Now we know both he and his portrayal are at the mercy of his daddy.He is essentially a formless mass that has been fashioned into what he is by his father. But if we were to come across a sculpture that resembled, for instance, a large penis, we would be remiss not to mention that fact simply because the statue was created by a sculptor and did not form itself. And if you think we are somehow being hyperbolic or unnecessarily cruel in being so harsh on little Elijah, let us show you.

As a father, it's my duty to pass down my loves [of cheeses] to my son. We're training Elijah for cheese snobbery. The other day, at the grocery store, he did me proud.

There were three cheeses on taste display. The first was a nine-month-old Murray Bridge cheddar from Australia. I popped a cube in my mouth. It was pleasant but innocuous, something you could easily put in a child's lunchbox. Elijah tried one as well.

He shook his head.

"This cheese is too boring for me," he said.

The next selection was a "mammoth cheddar," cut from an enormous wheel made God knows where. It's cheese for people who don't like cheese. Elijah almost spit out his piece, but showed enough manners to swallow.

"Don't buy that one, daddy," he said.

A good rule of thumb, I think, is that the level of adult hatred towards a minor should be commensurate not with his biological age but at the age of his precocity. So it is both a compliment and just to describe Elijah Pollack as big, big trouble in the making.