This is an occasional column from one of the writers of The Underminer, or, The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. His byline is everywhere these days! But, I mean, who really wants to write for those crass mainstream publications that still pay their writers well, anyway?


How are you? That is a cute shirt! You look so adorable today!

Let me guess: you got that top at Uniqlo, you are picking up a salmon patty at Whole Foods, and you are going home to watch amateur porn while wearing a Biore nosestrip.

Ha! No, I am not psychic, silly. But I AM a chief executive at the new internet phone venture, Pudding Media! As you know, we offer cheap phone service through the internet like Skype, but we use voice recognition technology and listen in to your conversation, and then deliver ads that pertain to what you are talking about. They pop up on your laptop or cellphone, lickety split!

As my co-executive Ariel Maislos said in the New York Times, we did LOTS of research and found that most people are doing something else while they talk on the phone -so we came up with a way to sell people advertising during those previously ad-free moments. I know, it's brilliant, right? We saw a niche, we saw a niche.

Like for instance, we know that while YOU are on the phone, you are either trying on clothes and hating yourself in them, masturbating, picking at your skin in the bathroom mirror, or eating cheese, a bad nutrition choice. No judgments! It's perfectly normal, and it's also why we placed ads on your laptop and cellphone for porn, healthy organic alternatives, and nosestrips. Voila! Here you are.

Anyway, how are you? No, you know what, don't answer that. I know you are sort of fine, but, according to your conversation with your mother last Sunday at 4.32 pm, you kind of wish you had a long term relationship. Have you ever tried Eharmony? Or maybe a you need to change up your wardrobe and wear something sexy like this tanktop from SJP's Bitten line? There's so much you can do. I am just gonna make a note here to send you some nice options tomorrow when you are talking on your phone, as part of our "Lonely Package."

Maybe it's the kind of person you are going after? According to that call you made last Friday at 2.30 AM, you told someone named "PeeRican" that you felt totally horny and were ready to, and I quote, "be treated like a human urinal." Again, no judgements, but why not join Facebook, or Linked In, or Tagged and just get to know some new people, have a little bit more of a social life, instead of sitting at home in a pair of shorts, trying to give yourself Hepatitis?

Alls I'm saying is it sounds like you need some new friends. On September 2nd you were complaining to Anne about how she doesn't seem to want to go out anymore because she is sober. Wouldn't this conversation go great with a "Jamaican Bum": a fresh cocktail of Malibu Rum, delicious Tropicana Orange Juice, and WinterClean ice, available at the Key Food down your street on 5th?

Yea a lot of people say it's scary and Big Brother-like. Funny what people say when they hear about something new and innovative. It's always their first reaction to lash out and criticize, right?

I have my own conversations monitored all the time, and I am personally grateful for the advertising. Like for instance today I discovered a great couch for my Richard Neutra home, found the perfect gift for my physicist boyfriend who just won the MacArthur, and was provided with many suggestions on how to give back to society because I am always yappin' on and on about how to help the poor and clean up the environment! I'm such a windbag! Ha!

Well at any rate, if you have any questions at all about your new phone service, please don't hesitate to call me, OK? Or, actually, you can just pick up the phone and say my name a few times and one of our associates will let me know. Till next time, be safe. I worry about you, you know.