Cooking Ephedrine Out of Over-the-Counter Cold Remedies Is My Anti-Drug

"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

This week, a budding young lawyer wonders if it's OK to bogart the amphetamines, and an adviser at a university in South Carolina doesn't so much ask a question as beat up your eyes with words.

A friend and I will soon take the L.S.A.T. His father, a psychiatrist, gave him Adderall to help him take the test. I asked if he could share some with me, and he said that would be unethical. Is it? Isn't his dad's giving him the Adderall unethical? — Name Withheld, Austin, Tex.

In every high school there are one or two kids who have parents who are "cool" with them drinking and smoking weed and they rationalize this with the argument that "Since they're going to do it anyway I'd rather they do it at home where I can keep an eye on them" which is a hilarious way of saying "I've got no fucking clue what I'm doing as a parent and I just want the juvenile respect of my teenage children because even after all of these years as a parent I still can't quite summon the maturity to be an authority figure who sometimes earns the ire of my child by doing something that is in their best interest so I just hope they accept my Facebook request soon" and it's nice to see this negligence applied to a schedule II controlled substance which speaking of schedule II controlled substances have I mentioned that Adderall is awesome dude you've got to get some Adderall you are going to crush that LSAT son but your friend is a total narc and when you guys become lawyers you should give him herpes and then when he's up for a judgeship you can be like everyone I have an announcement to make this guy has herpes and they'll be like no way you are not getting any judges are you thirsty mouth so dry who's thirsty you are going to look great so thin oh my God I haven't slept in three days this stuff is amazzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One of my advisees, a marketing major at our university, works as a campus rep for an energy drink. In one of her classes, the professor invited a competing company to run a focus group about a similar campus-rep program. When the competitor asked my advisee to leave, the professor approved. In addition, students were assigned a paper on this topic that would be shown to that competitor. When my advisee told her professor that she felt uneasy discussing such programs with her employer's competitor, he did agree to keep her paper private. Did he handle this properly? — Name Withheld, South Carolina

I see no reason why you are still toiling away as an academic advisor when it's obvious that you should be head of the Marketing Studies Department, what with your uncanny ability to clearly and charismatically deliver an easily digestible piece of information. That question reads like mind candy! Yes, hello, nice to meet you, my name is Gabriel Delahaye, chair of the School of Sarcasm.

Tell your student that she should Pepsi Burger King I'm lovin' it the professor and then Red Bull gives you wings! And if that doesn't work, Geico so easy a caveman could do it the dean.

Previously: Spencer Pratt Is Is An Ass And So Are You