Guys! GUYS! Totes such hotness on "The Hills" last night! The gang all went out to Las Vegas to surprise Brody for his birthday and Lauren FULLY KISSED HIM? I think they may be getting back together! How great is that!? Lauren so deserves love!?! Meanwhile, Audrina TOTALLY THREW A BITCH FIT at her friends and some guy who is only wearing a towel because she thinks the rest of the girls are all, Don't date Justin Ricky Lee Harvey John Wayne Bobby, but you know what? They were just trying to be friendly to him. And also?!?
She SHOULDN'T date him, he's a major butt, right?!? Also, they finally let the fat girl talk and they gave her a name, but I forgot it, because, come on, fat girl, right? Also, also, Lauren got flashed by Lo's vag and was all Brody, I saw Lo's Britney! Which is so funny, because, like, Britney Spears also has a vagina that she is always flashing? I Anyway, back in L.A.? It's Spencer and Heidi's anniversary? And Heidi tells the old dude at Bolthouse that she can't cover some event because her anniversary is that much more important, even though it's with Spencer who is a major dick and still won't tell his parents that they're engaged? And old dude is all, Fine, whatever, just make sure someone covers it? And Heidi's like, No problem? So she goes to Elodie—who she TOTALLY SCREWED OVER BEFORE—and is all, Hey, I really need you to cover this for me? And Elodie smiles and is like, Oh, sure, anything for you. Except what we know but Heidi doesn't even though this show is TOTALLY SCRIPTED, is that Elodie already made plans to quit her job? So Heidi's at dinner with Spencer and the phone rings and someone's all, You need to get down here now? And Heidi's like, but Elodie's covering it, and whoever's on the other end is all, Nuh uh, Elodie quit? And we're like, Hahahah, that's what you get, you job-stealing bitch!?!?!?! So Heidi is fully, I have to go to work? And Spencer acts like the big gay baby he is? How does Heidi not see what a stupid mean jerk Spencer can be?!?!?!?!?!?! It, was, like, so, satisfying, oh, my, God, you, guys!?!? Also? This is the last "The Hills" I will ever have to watch?!???!? And it sort of makes me sad, because when I watch "The Hills" I forget about war and poverty and basic math? And I, like, don't want to go back to caring about stuff or knowing the name of the President or reading books? But I guess I have to? Because you can't go through life being an Audrina (Audrina=retard) if you're not on a scripted reality show for MTV? I guess??!?!?!?!?!? Anyway, I'll miss you, "Hills." We'll always have that time where that one girl said that really stupid thing and everyone was all, What? I'll never forget it.