Problems? Blogger and author Tionna Tee Smalls is here to advise you. Tionna says she is only answering men's questions today "because men have problems too. You know because people always generalize that woman have the most problems. The postings today show that men have self esteem problems too. You know something like that." Also? She sent us a new picture! It's sort of over the top, except not, because you have to be true to yourself, don't you think?
Tionna, what should I do? I can't get away from my feelings for one woman, who isn't even my girlfriend. I met her when she was about to break up with one man, and thought I would be next in line, but I got out of control and blew it. Now she's with another man, and I can't help hoping I can pull it off this time by just being myself and acting cool, and hoping it all works out without me making a play for her and screwing things up. I need to stay cool, keep it together, and basically not care if I get her or not, because it's basically a longshot. She may move away or take up with some other man or who knows what. I am so not cool. Should I stop being friends with her? or What?
Wish I Were Cooler
PS: I forgot to add that her current boyfriend is a real asshole and she's about to break up with him, but not before a lot of drama...
Dear Wish I Were Cooler,
I don't even know you and I think that you could do better. Let's take a look at all of the facts that we have on the table. You met this woman when she was about to break up with her man, you thought that you were next in line but you "started getting out of control and blew it" so now she is with another guy and you still want to be next. Wowzers.
You seem like a nice, loving, and passionate guy to me. I could tell by the words that you are using in this letter, so I know she knows that. So what she is doing is getting her entrée and side dishes at the same time. It's like, she likes you but the reality of it is, you are too nice for her. Your first mistake was sticking around once she got the second man on you. That right there showed her that you really cared and you weren't going anywhere. Don't worry, as they say, everybody plays the fool sometimes.
She tried to act like you acting out of control and impatient is the reason why she didn't get with you. But the truth is, she didn't have any intentions of being with you so she made up some bullshit excuse so it could seem like it's your fault. I don't blame you for liking her because we all like the person that doesn't like us like that- that's the real problem in the world of love. My mother told me something a long time ago something that I am just starting to realize is the truth-love the person who loves you. That right there is the truth. Many times we waste our attention on these losers who wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them on their forehead. Who has time for that?
Besides, this chick likes the guys who treat her bad. People who like assholes are suffering from self-esteem problems within and who the hell wants to deal with that? I know you don't. Please, get rid of that broad. Yes, you need to stop being friends with her because then maybe she will see what she messed up with. I love disappearing on my old boos and believe me it works because we all think about people who are not in our face. It's a real ego thing. If you just be like you know what, I see were going no where fast and stop dealing with her and stop dealing with her foreal, she will wake the hell up (trust me). And even if she doesn't, she is a bird, you are not losing anything. Go out there and do your thing because you are a good man that any woman would love to get with, so dump her, get your swagger back, and MOVE ON!
Love, Tionna Smalls
I love your column and you are the only one I see giving any reasonable advice. My problem. I was in a really bad relationship for 5 years with a free-loading, two-timing, drug-abusing loser. He used to do nothing but drink Jack Daniels, cut himself, and put me down because I didn't support him in a nice enough apartment. After five years (I was young and stupid) I finally "got my head right" and got the hell out of there. I've now been single for almost 2 years. I took some time to get my head together. But now I have no idea how to start dating again. It's been seven years! And the world has changed! I'm in school now and there is this really cute and appropriate guy in my class (smart, sweet, no apparent mental illness AND a job). I looked him up online on myspace and friendster too. I'm in big crush land, and I'm too old for this shit. How do people handle this now? We chit chat in class but I have no idea how to bring it beyond that. Do I just ask him out on a date? Ask him to be my "friend" on myspace? How do people meet these days without stalking? Modern love...Please help!
Right But Not Right Now
Dear Right But Not Right Now,
Thank you for the compliment regarding the column. I try to give the best advice I can. First and foremost, I have to commend you for leaving that bad relationship that you previously had. I tell a lot of people this, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse and I am glad that you were able to see that and got the hell out of there. So kudos to you. Anyway, now it seems like you have your mind right and you have a crush on someone new. I think that is very exciting especially because you gave yourself time to heal from the past loser. So really you are on the good foot.
Now the first thing I must tell you is that you are too old to have a crush on someone; crushes are for teenagers. You are a grown ass man; it's time for you to take control of your life and go after what you want. Unlike most people who have a huge admiration (as I like to call it) for a person, you have direct access to him. He is in your class. How great is that? My advice for you is to just go and do it. Come up to him in a subtle way and just say, "Hey, I have to talk to you about something." He probably already has a clue to what it is and see if he has a minute to talk or arrange to talk to him somewhere else like in the cafeteria or in the Library (I mean they say no talking in the Library but who cares?). Lay it out on the table for him! Tell him that you are digging his style and that you would like to get to know him better. Possibly take him out to dinner or a play or something nice.
Remember that since the date is your idea, you have to front the bill. That is the rules. LOL. And if he is digging you back, he will say yes but if he isn't then he will shy away from the idea and say something like, "yeah that's a good idea, I would let you know because I have been so busy lately." When someone says something in that area, chances are they're really not that interested so make sure you work that out. I wouldn't recommend requesting him as a friend this early in the game because if he is as cute as you say he is, he gets hit on online all of the time and wouldn't take your feelings serious. Take it from me, I'm pretty hot and guys hit on me online all of the time but I don't take it too seriously. You feel me?
Like I said, just holla at him and if he doesn't holla back, then leave it alone. At least you know that you put it all out on Front Street. Think about it like this, how could you win it, if you're not in it? And if he does take you up on your offer, I will be happy for you and make sure you go hard or go home because I am even expecting for you two to have a great date. Keep me posted, seriously!
Your favorite Advice Columnist Tionna Smalls