You know how every week Alex Blagg takes a look at the ridiculous hipster party photos from Cobrasnake and Last Night's Party and mocks the people in them? Did you notice that every week, even though it's essentially the same post each time, someone has to come up with a new and different introductory paragraph? You didn't, did you? You just skipped down past the jump and started making fun of the hipsters. Well, you know what? Screw you, you ungrateful bastards. Someone on this end NEVER HAS TO DO IT AGAIN, because it's his last day, and he could not be happier about it. What? Oh, yeah, hey, it's Blue States Lose!
Smiling like a human being capable of experiencing genuine happiness - IN
Half-smiling, half-sneering, like you know something everyone else doesn't - SO 5 MINUTES AGO
Not smiling under any circumstances, like a person whose miserable, superficial life is completely devoid of joy - OUT
9.The Cobrasnake. Wad Mag Paris photo #9286: This guy is amazing. He should have his own comic strip in the Sunday morning funny pages called "Bernard McBloom, The Happy Mad Scientist" that's all about the crazy experiments he does with neon, which always get hilariously ruined by his mischievous Asian lab assistant.
8. Ambrel. Rated X photo #7751: Is that Vh1's douche-artist Mystery? And is this his secret to getting laid all the time, going to porny hipster parties and finding wayward junkies spazzing out in some kind of K-hole, then letting them wear his ridiculous fuzzy hat until they agree to come to his secret underground lair of sleazy desperation?
7. The Cobrasnake. September 31st photo #0114: If you somehow managed to miss his exhaustive publicity campaign announcing that Mark Ronson is now a "real musician" and no longer "just another DJ", you may not be able to fully appreciate the significance of this prodigal scenester returning home to the hipster photoblogs, where he was an Aoki-esque Mangod even before he started creating "beat masterpieces" for Christina Aguilera. It's just too bad his newfound importance makes him feel so awkward now, because he looks like he's straining to not take a shit.
5. The Cobrasnake. Good In Da Neighborhood photo #9422: You know that Hollywood cliche about the overprotective dad who is horrified by his teenage daughter's outfit and yells "You're not leaving this house in THAT!" Well, what about teenage boys? Do dads just not give a shit about them? If I had a son, and he came out of his room looking like this dick clown, I would punch him in the face until he learned not to dress like an asshole, or until child services finally hauled me off, whichever came first.
4. Last Night's Party. Young Hollywood photo #1376: You may very well be in some imaginary cartoon kingdom called "Miami" where everyone dresses like Run LSDMC and drinks purple cocktails while throwing up gang sings to establish their superior freshness, but here in Reality you look like a college sketch group pretending to be hip-hop dickwads.
3. Nicky Digital. Loaded @ Lotus photo #58692: I've always wondered, do people wear ensembles like this more than once? Are his friends like, "Geez Frankie - the burlesque lashes, diamond choker, handcuff necklace and leather clown suit held together by safety pins AGAIN!?! Really?"
2. Last Night's Party. Colette Colette photo #6140: I never even bother making fun of The Cobrasnake Guy anymore because looking ridiculous is just what he does. It's who he is. But a sequined vest on which the American flag is being eaten by sparkles? That's just too far, even for him. In fact it's treason, and people have been sent to Gitmo for much less. Why can't our Orwellian government can't be evil dicks when we actually need them?
1. Nicky Digital. Loaded @ Lotus photo #58623: It's always funny when frat guys take X and end up going right for the kinds of Walking Carnival Trannies they would usually be taunting on the street with their friends. Now that his serotonin levels are flying at ludicrous speed, Todd's just thinking, "I just want to eat up every last bite of your shiny neon-clad, face-painted, post-apocalyptic body!"