The Rock Benefits From Rampant Moviegoer Apathy

Kick off this Columbus Day holiday—don't worry, no one is off today, so you're not alone—with an invigorating stroll through the weekend's box office numbers:

1. The Game Plan - $16.262 million
If we were the paranoid type, we might be inclined to believe that the studios are taking a dive just so they can more convincingly cry poor as contract negotiations with the Writers Guild resume tomorrow after Friday's meltdown.

When WGA negotiators fire up their PowerPoint of all the self-congratulatory trade publication advertising they've taken out to tout the summer's string of nine-figure successes, the AMPTP will be able to counter with the embarrassing box office reports from the last several weeks, claiming that they've completely exhausted their blockbuster-making resources, and can now generate product no more profitable than family fare starring former pro-wrestlers and third-tier Ben Stiller comedies.

2. The Heartbreak Kid - $14.031 million
We never thought we'd be nostalgic for the days when Ben Stiller caught his scrotum in his zipper and ejaculated onto his own earlobe, but there you have it. These are grim times indeed.

3. The Kingdom - $9.345 million
4. Resident Evil: Extinction - $4.3 million
Having Peter Berg direct the next Resident: Evil installment is not the worst idea we've ever had.

5. The Seeker: The Dark is Rising - $3.725 million
As Fox readied its release of The Seeker, they couldn't have imagined that when the weekend receipts came in, they'd find themselves praying for even half of what Paramount fantasy bed-shitter Stardust did in its opening weekend.

7. Feel The Noise - $3.4 million
But even in this darkest of box office frames, perhaps not all is lost, as printing the words "From Producer Jennifer Lopez" on a movie's one-sheet can still save it—albeit barely—from a direct-to-video release.