JLo's Baby To Drop This Spring

The date: October 9, 2007
The place: 43rd and Broadway
Sighted: "Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony came out of the elevators as I was walking through my lobby this morning. She looked gorgeous and was dressed in quite a baggy shirt... hmmm. And Skeletor was... well... skeletal."

You have to imagine that Jennifer Lopez has been less than pleased with the way things have shaken out since the end of that Bennifer mess in 2004. Sure, she managed to get herself revenge-married within six months, but Ben Affleck got married too and in the type of checkmate move that almost makes you respect him and his enormous head, he managed to get his new lady pregnant before the wedding.

Now, the two of them are walking around town sporting one of the most adorable babies out there and JLo's stuck with Marc Anthony, who, while appropriately-sized, is not the creature she envisioned would be suckling at her breast more than three years into the marriage. Add to that the fact that both her music and acting careers seemed to have stalled and you just know that Jennifer Lopez has been working and planning for this baby/career-resurgence for a while.

First, she got Scientology. She won't admit it and probably doesn't even actually believe in it, but obviously since the two times a month she got drunk enough to sleep with Marc Anthony were not yielding desired results, she took the necessary steps. Because, maybe he's an alien that lives in a volcano, or something, but when it comes to making adorable babies, Xenu is clearly your guy.

After Scientology knocked her up—we normal people don't have the money or fame to ever know or understand the exact process of how that happens—she developed a pre-baby project. Obviously, you can't launch a baby with nothing behind it, that's in poor taste. It doesn't matter if said project is any good, or even remotely creatively-titled. The less work put into it the better. Stress is no good for baby.

Right now she's doing the necessary baby promotion, which she obviously planned for by designing an entire wardrobe that made her look pregnant in which she could be photographed while coyly refusing to answer questions about her pregnancy. She is clearly milking this stage, but who can blame her? She put the work in. And surely today's Us Weekly cover is just a prelude to the two-part Diane Sawyer sit-down in a softly-lit room.

There is one thing that is vaguely upsetting about all of this—it's unoriginal. Popping out a kid to salvage a fading career has been done more times than Jennifer's nose. In fact, Halle Berry is doing it right now. We simply expect more from the woman who brought us "Maid in Manhattan." Does she not realize she's gonna be splitting the covers when she loses all her baby weight in ten days? And there's no way the book she's already written about her battle with post-partum depression is gonna sell as well with Halle's out there at the same time.