In this occasional column, one of the authors of The Underminer or, The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life refracts the news of the day through a bile-green lens. This week: the New Yorker Festival and also Internet pervs!

Excuse me but is this mini crabcake cruelty-free? It's just that I have an allergic reaction to any foods that have been prepared cruelly, even crustaceans, and I just don't—

Oh! Jeez I am so sorry! I didn't recognize you in your all-black catering outfit. With your hair combed and off your face. You look so respectful!

You know, I love New York. Here you are at the New Yorker Festival, and so am I, both in our own ways. This city is so jazzy!

Wow, it's so great to see you. I have been really wanting to talk to you actually. But you are a hard one to track down!

Oh you changed your email to a Gmail. Right, right, finally... Oh, hold on—

Junot! I'll be there in a second. Save a seat for me, my love.

It's so cool that you are here at this after party for NYF participants and their lovers. We were just coming from our close close close friends A.M. and Mirand's panel on Deviants and I thought of you.

No no no. Not that you are a deviant. I just thought of you and your crazy friends!

Phew. It's so good to be back in the States. Hm? Oh it's a long story. But I'll try to tell you quickly before you have to go pass around the rest of that food.

So, as you know among my crazy, busy activities as a journalist, actor, shaman, and amateur Corcoran real estate executive, I dabble in Digital Forensics. Well it just so happens that I had been working on a program that de-encrypted digitally altered images. Last month, I created "UnSwirl," a program that unwound photographs that had been "swirled" to conceal a person's identity.

Well, fast forward to now. I just got back from Lyon, working closely with Interpol to try and track down that evil, disgusting pedophile who had taken over 200 photos of himself with under-aged Vietnamese and Cambodian boys.

So what have you been up to? Are you still going to Bungalow 8 a lot? I just remember running into you last month and you told me you were going there a lot. (I remember this really well because I was like: Wow! People still go there hoping to see Mischa Barton?) And you were sort of, in your words, 'wasted.' You were also in your 'who cares who knows my dirt' modes and said that you like to procure sex online and send out images of yourself posing and performing your various predilections. You told me about how you like to go on,, and

And I told my pals at Interpol that there is a whole segment of perfectly innocent people swirling their images out there, and that they would just be really bummed if Unswirl™ became available to everyone. So we agreed just to keep it under wraps and not sell the software to Microsoft. For you. And others like you, to enjoy your privacy, and your unalienable right to trawl the internet for sex anonymously. Am I a good friend or what?

Oop! Gotta go, Zadie will kill me if I don't introduce her to those crazy guys from Sigur Ros. I'll come back and say hi when you guys are passing out dessert.