Warner Enters Name-Calling Phase Of Their Break-Up With Madonna

Breaking up is hard to do. Yesterday it was leaked that Madonna would be leaving her long-time record label Warner Music, in favor of the younger, hotter Live Nation to the tune of a $120 million contract. And like all jilted lovers, Warner has responded by saying they're totally cool with it. In fact, they even went so far as to write a report titled For $120 Million, She's All Yours. (No, we're not kidding.) Variety has featured some choice excerpts of said report, and here they are now along with translations of all that PR speak into plain English:

"There is headline risk associated with a Madonna defection. However, the bigger risk would be to overpay for an artist that does not seem to be generating the revenue to support the contract being discussed."

TRANSLATION: Madonna is old and busted. We don't even liker her anymore. What was her last good song? "Hung Up?" Puh-leeze!


"Beside the fact that Madonna will turn 60 years old in the last year of the proposed deal, it is 'fantastic' for her but does not 'make economic sense' for WMG."


TRANSLATION: Did we mention how old Madonna is? Dude, she's not even hot anymore. If you wanna pay millions of dollars for some wrinkled-up prune to dance around in hot pants, that's your business, but we're totally over it.

"Her loss will not meaningfully impact Warner's near-term sales."

TRANSLATION: You're not really gonna leave us are you? Come on, baby. Don't do this. We've been through so much together. If you want us to change, we can change. We'll start cleaning up around the house. We'll remember to put the toilet seat down. We can even try couples counseling. Whatever it takes! Just don't do this.