Rudy Will Protect America From New Yorkers, Aliens

Rudy Giuliani has just about proved to America that he had what it took to rid New York of its many unpleasant ethnics and poor people, as the Times explained this weekend. Did you know that everyone in New York was on welfare before Giuliani became mayor? It's true! Every last one of them, except the good people of Staten Island, which is kind of the Iowa of New York. Back in the dark days of the early 1990s, "a New Yorker couldn't walk up Third Avenue without being on the lookout for muggers, of the blocks of dirty book stores and prostitutes, of public urination and pot-smoking." Christ, it sounds heavenly! (Though the public pot-smoking thing is a little west coast for our tastes.) But if there was one man who could be counted on to rid this city of its criminals and perverts, it was that adulterous cross-dressing megalomaniac. And he's gonna do for the rest of America what he did for New York: protect it from aliens.

No, not immigrants! Rudy knows we need them to raise our children. He actually told a crowd in New Hampshire that he will protect the country from outer space aliens.

A little boy asked the King of 9/11 if he had any contingency plans in place to save our nation from extraterrestrial invaders. Rudy humored the little boy.

Giuliani, grin on his face, said it was the first time he's been asked about an intergalactic attack.

Of all the things that can happen in this world, we'll be prepared for that, yes we will. We'll be prepared for anything that happens," said Giuliani, who spent the day campaigning in the key early voting state.

Critics point out that Rudy's Space Invader Defense Command Post is located at the top of the Empire State Building, a site already targeted by space-terrorists in a 1996 attack.

Giuliani: Preparedness is Key (Even if Aliens Attack) [UnionLeader]
Giuliani Sells New York As the Town He Tamed [NYT]